We’re letting the pressure to be perfect define us and it sucks

Let’s face it, we’ve all been there. Eight hours into a long-haul library sesh and we’re still trying to plan tonight’s party, write for the uni newspaper, go to that gym class at 5:45, smile at everyone we pass in the street and update our CV to make sure we get a summer internship. Life can be a veritable whirlwind of pressure, planning and people-pleasing. For many of us ladies, it’s just getting to be too much.

We feel we have to be highly career-motivated, sociable, physically fit, politically engaged — a walking encapsulation of intersectional feminism. As several first-hand accounts will explain, this kind of highly-strung, fast-paced life is every bit as exhausting as it sounds. So why are we forcing ourselves into it?

“It’s great that 2016 has so many different prospects to offer women, but I have experienced the darker side of this,” said Lauren, a second year Spanish and Business Management student at The University of Manchester. 

“It’s like everyone is expecting you to constantly take advantage of all the extra chances being given to you. As soon as you feel like you’re slacking in one area of your life you immediately start punishing yourself, like an inner policeman screaming at you to work harder, fight better, challenge and push yourself to the very extremes because if you don’t then you’re complacent. You’re not the ‘strong independent woman’ that you could be.”

Lauren is not alone in suffering from these anxieties. “With me I feel like it’s a constant pressure to always try and get involved because I always feel like I have to achieve the best I can,” agrees Lydia, a second year history student.

“After all, it’s not like opportunities are given to you on a plate. So, when one comes up it’s like you have to take it, but then you have so many other things going on in your life like your health, university, seeing friends and family, having a social life. It’s like juggling I suppose. With me it’s more that if it’s not the best then it’s not good enough, because if it’s not the best then you won’t get anywhere,” she says.

This idea of ‘if it’s not the best then it’s not good enough’ is very much a common ideal held by a worryingly high majority of young women. A global review found that women are nearly twice as likely to experience anxiety as men , so it seems clear that this feeling of inadequacy is very much a gendered issue. The survey, conducted by researchers at Cambridge University, also found that women under the age of 35 are the most likely to be affected.

This can be chalked up to the fact that many women feel like they have to take advantage of every single opportunity given to them in order to break the stereotype of women being ‘passive.’ Lucy, a student from Kent, thinks this is because “otherwise we feel like we’re betraying the women’s cause by not always being a role model or the best version of ourselves that we can be.”

“As women, we have to prove that we’re good enough to be treated equally,” she argues. “Men just don’t feel that same kind of pressure.”

Men themselves observe that this desperate anxiety about being successful seems to disproportionately affect women. “I’d argue that it’s because of inequality in the workplace and sexism in general that this pressure exists,” said James, a student from London. “As awful and horrible as this sounds, I don’t feel anywhere near the pressure to excel as I’d say most women do because I know I have an unfair advantage in the world exactly because I am a white, privileged male and it will be easier for me to get what I want in life.”

Muneera, a third year history and politics student, explained that she thought this was because “being a ‘high powered’ or ‘do everything’ woman feels less and less like a choice.”

What’s more, she admitted she felt a particular kind of pressure due to her ethnicity. “South Asian women are expected to a quiet kind of intelligent. They’re smart but meek and shy. To be seen as the opposite of that stereotype I definitely feel a serious amount of pressure to over compensate,” she noted.

So when does this struggle for perfection end? Can it ever? Will we ever feel adequate? We’re constantly told to strive for greatness, but not appear arrogant. To be healthy and strong, but care-free eaters full of body confidence. To be professional, but not cold and emotionless. It hardly seems surprising that many girls have found themselves seeking a ‘perfect’ stereotype that is simply unattainable — and that there can be dire consequences to pushing too hard.

An anonymous contributor explained how she placed so much pressure on herself to excel in every area of life that she was eventually hospitalized. “I was a walking shell of a person. After every conversation I would punish myself for what I thought I had said wrong,” she said. “I was convinced everyone disliked me and that they were awaiting my downfall.

Realistically, this can’t have been the case as I was doing everything in my power to make people like me. Saying yes to everything, attending every social event, signing up to every gym class, seeing my days in the library turn into nights as I desperately tried to achieve firsts in every piece of work. Eventually, I was hospitalized with severe abdominal pains, exhaustion, stress and anxiety. It was like I was trapped in myself, but I couldn’t quit the cycle in case people viewed me as weak. As the feminist who gave up.”

Unfortunately, just telling a woman to ‘put less pressure’ on herself is not enough. In fact, telling someone to put less pressure on themselves often adds to the original stress. It’s like stress-ception. The change has to come from within. Maybe this can start by realizing the ridiculousness of expecting women to fulfill both the old expectations of being maternal, polite, kind, caring and the new- strong, independent, fierce and successful. Maybe we could just let women be. Let us express ourselves without pressure of accomplishment. Let us exist without fear of judgement. Perhaps then we can realize that actually we’re good enough just as we are.