My Tiger Mom found out I wrote an article about her dating advice
So she made my dad buy me condoms
It appears I’ve fallen into my first trouble with newfound journalistic ventures.
My mother found my Dating Advice from a Tiger Mother article, the one I wrote about her, but conveniently did not tell her about.
She was certainly less mad than I expected but still none too pleased. The confrontation happened just as they picked me up from my friend’s dorm. As I sat in the car, typing out a text to a friend, she casually turned to me and went, “Hmm, you must really hate Asian parenting, don’t you..? Something about tiger mothers, right?”
In that very instant, I saw my open casket funeral approaching. Open casket, of course, so viewers could see the shame I had disgraced my family with written all over my face.
I sent out this snapchat. I wanted all the tiger cub progeny to have something to remember me by – the brave soul that went before them.
But I am alive to tell the tale!
Eventually, after I recovered from the shock of being discovered and confronted, I asked her how she had found my article in the first place. “Oh, I was googling you and it popped up.” I would like to point out that she then admitted to googling me on a regular basis and thinks this is very normal behavior. Case in point.
Anyways, I have assured her that it was purely a satirical piece and that all the readers would definitely know that it was meant to be taken humorously, with a grain of salt. Her only request is that I modify a few things.
- My mother wants me to marry someone who loves me and will treat me well, regardless of his financial status; however, “if he can also take care of you and your lifestyle needs that would be good too, Sabrina.”
- “ I only said the bit about never losing my virginity because you wouldn’t stop asking me about it!”
- “Can you black out my face in that photo you have up? I don’t want people to see what I look like!” My father, however, likes that photo a lot and went, “I don’t mind if you keep it up. I look pretty good.”
- “I think if you ever become a famous journalist or writer I will become famous too just from how many bad things you write about me.”
No explicit mention of my virginity arose, though I will say that at one point my father went, “You know, she couldn’t sleep after reading your article, and she shook me awake in the middle of the night asking me to go buy you some different sized condom sizes,” and my mother turned around, looked at me, and said, “I’m just really worried you’re going to get AIDS on campus. Practice safe sex. Don’t get aids. Safe sex.”
So I’m thinking we are making some progress in regards to my virginity—it went from “no sex ever!!!!” to just “no AIDS!”
Also, later, in a phone call, my father bestowed some advice on me: “I wouldn’t write about your mom anymore. She’s just going to be upset and not sleep for a whole night again. Write about me or something. Call it ‘Tales from a Cat Dad,’ you know, like a tiger mom, but less scary and more docile.”