Dating advice from my tiger mother

She has given me invaluable life advice…just not necessarily about boys

I grew up with a (semi) authentic tiger mother. I played violin and piano, I attended Chinese community school on weekends, and I was expected to have Ivy League aspirations. Oh, and of course, boys were out of the question.

In many ways, my mother was not the stereotypical tiger mother. To this day she will assert that she practiced an incredibly “liberal” parenting approach, which I will agree to (for an Asian mother). I will say, however, that the topic of boys has remained an almost insurmountable chasm of awkwardness between us.

Firstly, I was not supposed to date until I was 18. Secondly, the topic of my virginity has remained a precarious, but often hotly debated, topic of contention between us. At 14 I remember they relented and let me go on a date, and I guess I sort of “dated” this kid, but after him it was all SAT prep and AP courses for me, which isn’t to say I didn’t sneak a few dates in every once in awhile, but college has opened up new doors for me in terms of dating and romance. In fact, just this past November, my mother said to me, somewhat resignedly, “You can start dating now if you want…but no sex!”

Here is a compilation of invaluable advice she has given me on dating:

8 year difference between this photo and the next, but I think our family values are still the same.

8 year difference between this photo and the next, but I think our family values are still the same.

My dad may look like he’s part of the triad here, but it’s my mom who wears the pants in this family

On dating older men:

“What? Why is 28 your cutoff age for dating? I think you can date someone up to 35 years old. After all, do you think any 20 year old has career success?”

Despite the many warnings and admonishments my mother has bestowed upon me regarding navigating the dating world, she has never had a problem with the idea of me dating someone substantially older…as long as they had an established career.

On practicality in dating:

“It’s okay if you can’t excel in your classes anymore. Marrying rich is accepted nowadays. Stay pretty.”

“You don’t have a bad figure right now, but it could be better. I think you would look perfect if you lost 10 pounds.”

Part of this arises from the blunt advice Asian mothers are known for; the other half is purely mama Qiao.

On my crushes:

“Ai ya! He’s so short and ugly. Why do you like ugly boys?”

I’d like to point out that she thinks Robert Redford is one of the only attractive White men out there.

On dating locations:

“Don’t go back to his place. Boys will take advantage of you. Don’t go home with him.”

In her words, “restaurants and coffee shops are the only safe locations for young, vulnerable girls!”

On my date attire:

“Why are you always showing off your boobs? Is that a push-up bra?”

“I hope your standards are not as short as your skirt.”

I’d like to think my standards are at least half an inch longer than my shortest leather mini-skirt.

On my ex-boyfriend:

“What a dumbass.”

Enough said.

On inter-racial dating:
“I wish you would just find a nice Asian boy to date. American boys will never appreciate your looks the way a nice Asian boy would!”

This “nice, Asian boy” should also preferably be a: doctor, lawyer, entrepreneur, or businessman on Wall Street.

On superficiality:

“Beauty is only skin-deep. You know what isn’t only skin deep? The ability to make money.”

See above.

On virginity:

“You’re a virgin, right? “

“I like to imagine you as a virgin.”

“If you are still a virgin….”

“As a virgin….”

“A girl’s virginity is her most precious gift…do not waste it.”

“No. I never want to hear if you lose your virginity.”

“Yes, I am a virgin too, Sabrina.”

Once, hoping to preempt some kind of Hallmark-esque mother-daughter conversation, I asked my mother when she had lost her virginity. She looked me straight in the eye and replied, “I never did.”

On sex:

“Why do you always talk about sex? Why are you so perverted?”

“Penn State is a big party school right…? Are all your friends having sex…?”

“Use condoms…but don’t have sex.”

“18 is too young for sex!!!!!!!”

“NO SEX.”

One time, as a joke, I asked for condoms for my birthday. She didn’t speak to me for a few hours.

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