Freshman food review: Koronet’s Pizza

Koronet’s Pizza: a Columbia hallmark, Broadway staple, and late-night-torrent-of-regret machine. We heard of the reportedly legendary eatery even before our respective arrivals on campus. Stories which revered the awesome chest-sized wedges of cheese and dough that this beacon of excess peddled to the sleep-deprived and oftentimes (invariably) inebriated populous of students.

As you might imagine, we were intrigued to see if Koronet’s lived up to the hype, and so we are here to provide a fresh(man) look at this traditional Morningside Heights pizzeria.

But first, who are we? At the risk of sounding sardonic, we are simply two Carman 7 freshmen who like to go places and eat food in those places. We, however, have very different backgrounds.

Noah comes from Columbus, Ohio, or as he calls it “Cbus, Lumbus or the gem of the Midwest.” A physics major, Noah also has a penchant for cooking and pursuing the more interesting culinary experiences New York has to offer him. 

Reed, on the other hand, is a native New Yorker, born and raised in Manhattan. His experiences in the culinary melting pot of the Big Apple have made him a sometimes overly critical, but reliable, critic of New York restaurants and eateries. Together, we hope to offer a new, refreshing look at many of Columbia’s favorite eateries and other establishments further afield.

Now to focus on Koronet’s. There’s no denying the allure of the massive slices that have made the small store between 110th and 111th so popular. For only $8 you can feed yourself and the rest of your drunken clan staggering back from a night spent visiting the area’s fine watering holes. In our rookie Columbia opinion, however, the slice leaves much to be desired.

Sure, it’s fun to watch a small Ganges River of grease form as you crease the massive fold of the cheese loaf, but quality of ingredients leaves something to be desired.

Now, we don’t seek to completely discount the often-touted virtues of the holy Koronet’s Jumbo Slice. Late night, it can be truly marvelous. As alcohol courses through one’s veins, the slab-like block of carbohydrates is, oftentimes, exactly what one not just desires, but needs! Simply put, and pardon the shameful rhyming, if you’ve had a long night, it gets you right.

However, we revisited the same slice in the daylight and found it, well, less than excellent. If you disagree, think about the last time you hit up Koronet’s while the sun was up. That one time you went to the D-Sig Darty? Years ago? Never?

It’s overwhelming size, in a less euphoric state, is stifling. The jumbo slice offers a staggering amount of calories, more than is truly worth eating in a sound state of mind. Moreover, we’ve found that the charm of Koronet’s lies more in its novelty as a truly Columbia late night dining experience and its mindboggling portion size than it does in its pizza, and our daytime selves simply cannot recommend it to you, the reader, for any kind of conventional dining experience.

When it comes to pizza, we have to take a step back due to what we like to call the Pizza Self-Identification Theory. It states that the first pizza that you come to love becomes your definition of pizza — everything else just a take on that form. That pizza could be down the block from your childhood home, your local Domino’s or halfway across the world, but the fact remains that any other pizza simply isn’t the same. Therefore, judging pizza is difficult, as any reviewer will always put forth their favorite, self-defined, pizza as a comparison.

Koronet’s, however, is not pizza, and that’s OK. It is the late-night carb snack that has satisfied Columbia students since time immemorial, and will most likely continue to do so many years into the future.