Every incredibly weird thing you hear as an Uber driver

In the search for a little extra pocket-change, I started driving for Uber about a week ago. So far whenever I’ve pick someone up after midnight, the weird has come out.

In Champaign-Urbana, it’s mostly drunken weird, but weird nonetheless. Here are just  a few of the tales I have lived to tell.

My first night driving for Uber, I was a little nervous about it so I took my girlfriend along. (Plus she wanted to level up in Pokemon Go by playing as I drove the night away.) 

The rides were mostly normal up until our last two, which were conveniently timed after the local bars had closed – 2 AM here.

The man who told me about his cheese-covered naked friend

The first ride of the night was with a man wandering aimlessly down the street, making it extremely hard for me to find him in the first place.

When I did finally find him, he got in the car and immediately started telling us about his unique experience that night.

“Man, did I have a night. My friend and I went to the bars for a good couple of hours, but then we realized how much we were craving nachos, so of course we got some. We took them back to his place and my friend refused to stop eating the them until he was completely finished.

“I told him I’d drink all of his beer until he decided to talk. An hour later he got up to go to the bathroom and stayed in there for what seemed like an eternity, which meant I drank even more of his beer. When he finally came out he was butt-ass-naked and covered in nacho cheese.

“He didn’t say a word but went straight to bed. I finished his beer, and I guess now when I get home I’ll have to get butt-naked and order nachos, it seemed like a good time for him.”

A woman and her soon to be husband . . . that she just met

The next ride was with a couple. Or rather what seemed to be a couple at the time of their entry into my car.

As soon as the woman climbed in, she immediately began questioning both my girlfriend and I. I didn’t think much of it, as I can only assume getting an uber driver and his girlfriend is probably quite strange.

Eventually her questioning led to how my girlfriend and I met, so I of course followed up with “How did you two meet?”

“About thirty minutes ago. We made eye contact from across the first bar we were at. Didn’t make any conversation, but later I noticed him following me to another bar, so I knew there was something between us.

“Plus, he has a gigantic ginger beard and I have a huge fetish for gingers.”

Man remains silent.

“But I think we’re going to get married – we really seem to have a bond.”

“Have you played Pokemon Go? Has anyone ever had sex in the back of your car?”

“Oh, this is the big bright purple house you were telling me about? Thanks for the ride,” as she drags him out of the car.

Three 60-year-old men who are addicted to porn

One night I picked up two groups of older party-goers on their way from one bar to another. The first group was three older men, probably in their late 50’s or 60’s.

“Man, tonight was a good night, did you see the talent in that shit-hole bar? There were some hotties. Damn it Tom, get off the fucking Pokemon Go already, you’re 60 years old.”

At this point Tom asks me for a phone charger so that he can continue to catch them all.

The third man says to the first man, “Yeah, but we have to double our efforts if we want to get any tonight, this town is full of opportunity and we’re god dammed steeds.

“Tom damn it, I swear you’re addicted to the internet, would you get off the phone for one second?”

Tom replies “I’m not addicted to the internet, I am addicted to porn, alright?”

The old man who told me about his boner

The weirdest conversation I’ve been privy to happened last night. It all began with an attempt to pack five passengers into my Volkswagen Jetta.

There were three older women, and two older men.

As they stood outside of the car, the older of the men suggested his strategy: “Does anyone want to sit on my lap in the front? That would make a lot of room, just watch out for my boner.”

Then an old lady from the back yelled, “Damn it Tom, sock that thing away, nobody wants to see or touch that.”

After they had all crammed in, and screamed in my ear at least three times, the old man went into more detail: “Man, I don’t know if I can even get my seatbelt on with this damn boner, it’s just so big.”

Tom continued to make jokes that increasingly freaked me out, especially since he would place his hand on my arm every time he laughed. 

Moral of the story, driving for Uber can be a fun time and make you quite a bit of spare change if you have the time for it, just be aware that all kinds of weirdos will get in your car.