How to survive your first friend’s wedding
Paint that smile on your face and get to the open bar ASAP
It’s summertime – the birds are chirping, the sun is shining, and the summer weddings have commenced. Now is the time where what seemed like the impenetrable friends begin to break off two by two.
So you have finally reached the age when your friends that you grew up with, learned with, drank with, skipped class with have decided to settle down in the eternal bond of marriage.
First you’ll start seeing engagement pictures taking over your social media news feed.
And then, because you were such a kickass friend all these years and because everyone knows it’s not a party without your killer dance moves to the classics, you will be getting flowery invites by the handful. These weddings are a joyous occasion where you get to see your friends blissfully happy and in love, but because society tells us that we all must keep pace with one another, you are bound to panic. Your thoughts will range from sheer elation for your friends to melancholic FOMO to anxious dread.
Never fret because this is how to survive going to your first friend’s wedding.
Before you head out, first you must be sure to get your friends a wedding gift
That’s where an organized, adult version of a Christmas list called their registry comes in. These are things that they want to get for their new home and new life together, so it’s polite to get them something off the registry even if it’s the cheapest thing on there. You may be young and broke, but you still have manners and love your friends. Check that registry early to make sure that not all the expensive appliances are left. Then throw in a shot glass or something fun alongside it to represent the party you’re bringing to the wedding.
Next, train yourself to cry on cue or to control your crying for opportune moments
You don’t want to burst out into tears as the couple eats cake because the only person you have to feed you a sweet is the ice-cream scooper at Ben and Jerry’s. Wait and cry during the toasts so that you can combine your overflowing love for how far you friends have come with your paralyzing loneliness and wallowing. Great party trick. They’re vowing their love and then there’s me.
Now there are bound to be loads of middle-aged and elderly people that populate these weddings
They are a double edged sword: quick to give compliments but even quicker to ask the dreaded question, “So what do you want to do with your life?” For the least embarrassment, rehearse your answer ahead of time so you can whip it out in under 10 seconds flat and find your way back to the bar. Keep it vague and don’t be afraid to throw lots of buzz words in. I.e. “I’m trying to get my foot in at an upwards company, learn from the best, and make the world a better place. Excuse me, Aunt Mildred is waving me over!”
Get dolled up
One of the perks of your friends getting married so young is that you are still hot and can flaunt that in your big girl dress up clothes. Playing dress up is fun and they always say fake it ‘till you make it, so throw on a nice pair of heels and play grownup even if you have a cup of ramen waiting at home for you. Another perk, free food. Plus, you get to work it all off dancing the night away while fulfilling your steps for the whole week! Find the silver lining.
Very importantly, don’t compare your timelines with other people
Everyone’s life has its own trajectory and sequence of events. Therefore, don’t sweat your single life and be sure to avoid the bouquet toss if you don’t want to get your eyes clawed out by those who haven’t learned this lesson.
Lastly and most saliently, make friends with the bartender and the servers bringing around food
Shoutout to Danny for being my best friend and keeping me well fed on risotto stuffed mushrooms without judgement. Learn their names and be kind. They hold your happiness in their hands.
Ultimately, weddings are happy occasions and it’s crazy to see your bone-headed friends all grown up. But because we all have that selfish bug in us that nags and tells us we’re behind in life, seek solace in the solution of an open bar. Or flask. Or both.