A guide to picking up drugs

Mate can I borrow your keys


Cardiff leaves a lot to be desired. So for all you would-be escapists, have a twos on this guide.


A knock on the door! Who could it be? Ah the friendly neighbourhood drug dealer

We’ll start off small. Valium. There’s a case to be made that you don’t even need to look for these puppies. If you’re buying the real hard shit (see Class As) your dealer will probably just throw diazepam at you like condoms at a 60s swingers party.

The “give it away like the Red Hot Chili Peppers” marketing tactic employed by your favourite pushers likely stems from the fact that no one is actually prepared to pay for the Kurt Cobain killers anymore.

Aggressively marketing psychoactive drugs for unnecessarily self-medicating housewives may have worked in the 70s, but oh no! You won’t fool us so easily! That being said, the most popular of all the class Cs in Cardiff is unquestionably anabolic steroids.

A Woolworths drug dealer starter kit

That’s right men of the Valleys, all that juice that you and your bros are injecting into your phat glutes is illegal. Illegal to own, illegal to take, illegal to sell. I really do wonder how the South Wales police haven’t cottoned on to what is going on up there – after all it’s not the fucking lamb macros, is it.

If you too have an inferiority complex and feel the need to compensate for something (e.g. your personality, the size of your todger) you can get your muscle milk in the changing rooms of most gyms.


You can pay in cash or blood diamonds

It seems right that the class B section begins with barbiturates, if not for the ease of alphabetical organisation. Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of my high school PSHE teacher, I don’t have a clue what barbiturates do, let alone what they are. If you’d like to know more I suggest you talk to FRANK.

Moving on, the government has recently upgraded Ketamine from class C to B, because that worked so well with cannabis. Ket, K-bomb, Vitamin K or the KKK. Call it what you want, Ket Spacey has gone full circle and come back to Cardiff’s professional wastemen. Quite hard to get hold of, the sedative typically used for tranquillising horses often doesn’t feature on the average Cardiff bagman’s menu of messiness.

However, as for Valium, you rarely need to actually part with your cash to get special K. If you do find DJ Ket Jnr it will be piled high – engulfing a coffee table in the depths of a Roath basement surrounded by the kids judged too messy for Welsh Club. Help yourself, your ketty comrades melting into the sofa over there are so far down a K-hole they’d need to climb something longer than Ron Jeremy’s wanger in order to escape.

That should take the edge off nicely

And that brings us to cannabis. Once the reserve of humanities students and their tutors following a challenging Odysseus seminar, it would now seem that the whole of Cardiff loves the green. Media outlets pegged a police operation late last year as a raid on a potential gangster grass factory. 

Those media outlets were wrong. That was just my stash. So prevalent is the freakus trade in Cardiff that there is a motorised delivery service manned in shifts by members of the same family. If you ask nicely, they’ll even take you for a little ride.

Don’t get too comfy on your reefa rodeo though, several would-be stoners have ended up embroiled in a police chase. That’s not a joke.


Pleasure doing business with you, sir

Ah yes, the good stuff. Face it, you don’t want to be the wet flannel who isn’t shooting up at predrinks, plus track marks are going to be so in this season, trust me. That was a joke, please don’t actually take heroin.

And if you already are a fan of golden brown I wouldn’t know how to help you score. Sorry. If you want MDMA or Coke you’re going to need a big league dealer. Fortunately if you manage to turf one out after several bouts of “I know a guy who knows a guy” they’ll probably sell you both. And with high quality narcotics comes high quality marketing, more often than not these bad boiis will be picking you up, and not the other way round.

Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow

Winner winner, chicken dinner.