In case you were wondering, here’s how to have great anal

You can’t smash the batty in to Ed Sheeran


It was a normal Tuesday night when the topic came up over a glass of wine and a gossip. My housemate, we'll call her H, was our in-house anal expert as the only one who'd really had a long term boyfriend, and I was intrigued.

We'd spent many gossip nights giving each other advice on boys and uni, but these, these are the teachings I felt truly needed to be shared. This, ladies and gentlemen, is her top advice on having anal:

Lube, lube and even more lube

This seemed obvious, but as she sat there screaming "Lube! Lots and lots of lube!" I feel like this is the point that needs to be stressed the most. If you don't have any, don't even try.

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Slide n ride indeed

A comfy position is vital

Anal can be an uncomfortable thing. She personally recommends the spooning method, but doggy is also a good option.

Go slow

It's not going to just slip in, even with all the lube you've just added to your amazon cart. Just like with regular sex, the lead up is important, or as H so eloquently put it "like foreplay for your butt."

Perseverance is key

H explained that anal can be a painful and uncomfortable process to start with, especially for the first time, but just stick with and it'll be worth it. She described it as "it might feel like you're shitting yourself constantly, but in a good way. Like you know when you have a really good shit?."

Make sure you're comfortable

Not only in the physical way, but in the emotional way too. It's like losing your virginity again, but this time choose the right person. As always, consent is necessary.

'Maybe try one of those kits'

I had no idea what she was talking about when she said this. I've taken the liberty to google it so you don't have to.

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Pls for your own sake don't read the reviews

You do have the shits

When I asked if anal was one of those things you can do several rounds of, she simply said 'not really because you do get the shits. Not like diarrhoea, but like it comes out way too easily because there's nothing to hold it in. So you can usually only go for one round, you don't want to stretch it out too much'.

Hair pulling has to be done

Like steak and a good vino, hair pulling and anal go hand in hand. H explains "If you're gonna do anal, you're gonna do it rough. I mean, I'm sure you can make it gentle and loving, but like its not really that kind of thing is it?"

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Get the tunes ready

A good playlist can make or break it

We all have a sex playlist, but H claims that it has to be perfectly sculpted in order to get the job done. The tunes can distract you from the pain in the beginning while providing a good rhythm later on. This led to my favourite quote, the ultimate piece of advice I'll leave you with, "You can't smash the batty in to Ed Sheeran."