These 17 dumb One Tree Hill moments prove the show was just one big joke
A dog literally ate Dan’s heart in front of him
Let me pre-empt my next sentence by saying that I watched One Tree Hill religiously, every day, with my older sister when I came home from school – as any high-school wannabe 13-year-old would. But, if there’s one defining statement to be heard amidst the sea of shit that I put out to the world, then let this be it: One Tree Hill was great for many reasons, but being a top-quality show is not one of them.
For those that don’t know, One Tree Hill was about a load of fit teenagers living in a small town. You’ve got your jocks, you’ve got your nerds. Very typical stuff. However, what wasn’t typical was that every possible bad/good thing that could ever happen to anyone happened to this small group of people. Death, millionaires, marriage, drugs, the works – and that’s all before they turned 25. By the end of this page, you’ll understand fully why this show is such a joke.
1. Nathan and Haley’s totally bizarre relationship where they GET MARRIED AT 16
High school relationships are always a bit of drama, but come on. Haley started out as a high achiever but dropped everything to get married to Nathan at the age of 16. Then they had a break while she became an international music star regardless of talent, and suddenly at the drop of the hat, she’s famous and goes on a worldwide tour? Then they have a child and another wedding, again with money being no objective whatsoever – oh, and this is all before they turn 20. Okay.
2. Peyton creates Tric nightclub at the age of 17
Peyton, with no notable experience running an events space or business, co-runs Tric with two fairly older women. Do they have experience in this industry either? Don’t bother asking. And what even is the deal with Tric as a place? It’s a tiny club in a tiny town, yet they somehow manage to regularly book some pretty famous acts. This is just another of One Tree Hill’s many peculiarities that the audience is just expected to accept.
3. Haley becomes a rockstar despite never having expressed a proper interest in music
Season 1 Haley: I love Nathan and I’m going to drop everything for him and get married.
Season 2 Haley: I love music and I’m going to drop everything for it including my marriage.
4. Peyton starts dating… Pete Wentz??
In one of several peculiar moves by the show to introduce celebrities into the cast arrives the spectacularly awkward Pete Wentz.
I can only apologise if you watched that clip long enough to hear the one quote that probably still keeps Pete up at night in a cold sweat. And that’s on someone that wrote: “The best part of ‘believe’ is the ‘lie’”. Lol.
If you didn’t catch it, here it is at 1:27: “So a hot girl quotes me to me, is that wrong if that turns me on?”
Put the whole bloke in the bin. Pete, please stick to the day job.
5. World-famous bands casually drop in to Tree Hill every other week despite the 100 person population
Pete Wentz was only the tip of the iceberg. The commercial team at One Tree Hill HQ had a field day, using the show as a means to promote many artists of the time. These included Kid Cudi, Fall Out Boy and Lupe Fiasco.
Madison Square Garden? The Hollywood Bowl? Nah, let’s go and perform in a shitty club in an unheard-of town to a bunch of teenagers. In the above clip, Pete pulls another shocker out of the bag once more with the stand-out line – “we love your breasts, so take care of them!”, much to the delight of the young girls in the crowd.
Also, is Peyton wearing her Docs in this clip or are Fall Out Boy a band with an exclusive height restriction of 5’6 and below? Just wondering.
6. Dan decides he wants to become mayor of Tree Hill… so he just, like, does
Season three was a big one for Dan. He nearly dies in a fire, attempts to kill his son, successfully kills his brother and blames it on a school-shooting student who committed suicide. However, there were little victories – despite being profoundly unpopular in Tree Hill, Dan somehow goes on a campaign to become mayor, and within what seemed like only a couple of episodes, he IS mayor – for less than a year before going to jail for the murder of his brother. How he managed to get away with this for so long is a grey area.
7. The completely cliche car crash
Nice dive Nathan.
Congrats Nathan and Haley, you’re married for the second time before you’re even legally allowed to buy alcohol! But this doesn’t stop other party guests from having a few shandies, as a drunken Rachel steals the wedding limo and crashes it into a river. Nathan dives in to save them which is really nice 🙂 He falls into a coma afterwards which is really not nice 🙁
8. The ONE good guy in the series is still a prick
Here he fully leverages his “nice-guy” status to become a profoundly un-nice-guy. Also, this man’s name is M-O-U-T-H ffs 👄
You may think you’ve got the wrong end of the stick when you open this video. You haven’t. Mouth is sat on a bed with a reluctant, tearful looking girl wearing a “clean teen” t-shirt. Hrm, this looks awfully like a man forcing himself on a woman who doesn’t want to have sex. Bingo!
Look out for the classic piece of shit guilt trip line that finally makes her crack: “I know I’m not good enough”. Do you really want the poor girl throwing herself on you because you’ve just made her feel terrible about not wanting to have sex? She’s got a t-shirt with a virginity slogan on it, for fuck’s sake Mouth. At least #Skillz$ won’t tell anyone.
9. Age is just a number in Tree Hill
They all realise their wildest dreams before 25 and become super rich. Tric serves alcohol but is open to all ages, even on late gig nights. Pete Wentz dates Peyton even though he’s much older. Rachel somehow managed to take part in a topless photoshoot in Maxim whilst in highschool. Oh, and she was with Dan, who is considerably older than her… and that is okay. This is okay in Tree Hill.
10. Haley’s waters break DURING her graduation speech
I hate it when this happens. Have you ever been doing a public speech and then all of a sudden you’re giving birth?
Look, I know it can happen at any time, but we know by now that the writers couldn’t possibly have it take place in a more convenient setting – I’m actually surprised they didn’t put her in a shark tank or have her hiking in the desert miles from any medical attention. Watch out again for even more great acting from James Lafferty (Nathan). He doesn’t even say anything and it still makes my back tense up. I’m off for some acupuncture, turrah.
11. Brooke has a multi-million dollar fashion line and her own house by the beach (that she paid $30,000 over the asking price for)
Brooke is quite possibly the character that does the best out of the bunch, at least initially. Her business (that she started at 18) became super successful and she earned enough money to move into a huge beach-side house. Why does no one talk about how ridiculous this was?!
12. Dan saves his estranged grandson from spicy Nanny Carrie, despite being in prison for years
The bottle wasn’t enough to stop her.
Seductive Nannie Carrie manages to get the child again! Oh no! Not on Dan’s watch, though – after she charges at the gang with an axe, Dan shoots her. Then they go in, presumably have a cup of tea, and leave her there. Cut to a few hours later, Dan comes out and brutally shoots her. He already murdered his own brother so he could really do with an act of redemption here.
But it’s just not addressed how he knows of all these happenings seeing as this is the first time many people have seen him since he left for prison. In the above clip, Dan dramatically returns his grandson to the pack and everyone looks surprised to see him, other than Nathan who has the acting ability of a slice of ham.
13. Just as Dan is about to get a new heart, a dog eats it
If I was granted three wishes from a genie’s bottle, deep amidst the fantasies of Jessica Biel becoming my lover and having a father who isn’t emotionally closed-off, would reside a longing to be part of the writing session where they conceptualised this idea.
So, let’s get the basics down. Dan needs a new heart, and by this point he’s been through it all; the heart attack, the waiting list, the strained relationship with his sons (and supposedly every other person in Tree Hill)… by this point nothing can come between this man and his brand spanking new heart.
Enter Fido. The courier trips and spews organ-flavoured ice all over the hospital floor. An organ juice-on-ice if you will. An organ Island Iced Tea. The dog (is he even allowed in the one sterile environment you’d think a dog wouldn’t be allowed?) lunges at the heart like it’s a steak, Dan watching in despair as the one thing that stood between him and early mortality is chowed down like pedigree chum. What makes this clip so funny is that they’ve clearly gone a long way in trying to make this scene dramatic, yet it’s apparent from the credits that this must have taken place at the beginning of the episode – what should have been an utterly heart-wrenching/gobbling (get it?) moment has been robbed of any drama due to being shoehorned in at the start. Brilliant.
14. The characters are all teenagers trapped in the bodies of adults
The cast are all in their early-to-mid 20s and we’re supposed to believe that they’re still in highschool?? The characters start the series at roughly 15/16 years of age, but the main five character’s ages spanned from 20 to 24 when filming started. James Lafferty, the youngest of the group at 2o years old, also managed to be the most unconvincing portrayal of a 15-year-old, you know, because he looks like a full-grown man.
15. There’s an unusually large amount of stalker activity for a small town
Four, to be exact.
For all of the beauties in Tree Hill, there’s also a whole load of crazies. Although even the crazies are all good looking too. There’s Nanny Carrie, Ian, Xavier and Katie – they’re all in a small town, they’re all fit and this show is just a JOKE NOW.
16. That one bizarre time everyone suddenly gets taken back to the 1940s
Why? Literally just why?
There is no conceivable reason why this episode should have seen the light of day. In fact, I’m starting to think that about the whole damn series. Did they have no regard for how jarring this would come across, sandwiched between two normal episodes? The plot is usual One Tree Hill lunacy: Lucas falls asleep and has a dream that he runs Karen’s Cafe, a classy swing club in the 1940s.
17. Brooke gets a foster daughter who is not much younger than her
Because there’s no one better equipped to control an unruly teenager than another unruly teenager.
In the latest of “things that One Tree Hill did that defy any reasonable explanation” comes Brooke and her foster daughter that, by the looks of it, is only a few years younger. Brooke did a great job at being a mother, and they lived harmoniously until Sam moved back to live with her biological mother. BUT WHY? YOU’RE BARELY AN ADULT YOURSELF!
We’re done here.