Disappointed girls reveal their biggest turn-offs in bed

Women across the world have had to put up with centuries of sexual disappointment – so we've decided to take this matter into our own hands, by giving boys the low-down on what actually gets us going.

After the popularity of last week's column on how to finger a girl properly, we've reached the conclusion that you need more help. We've asked British girls across the country what turns them off the most in bed and here's what they had to say:

SMILING TOO INTENSELY

When you smile that much, I start wondering how/when you will murder me.

FIFTEEN MINUTES OF MEDIOCRE MISSIONARY

You didn’t deserve to pull me if that’s the best you can offer.

NOT KNOWING WHEN TO STOP

It’s been four hours… a gal needs her sleep. I didn’t come back here to recreate some frenzied sex fiesta you saw on PornHub, I literally just wanted a cheeky shag and then the spoon of a lifetime. Please leave me alone.

GIGGLING IN THE AWKWARD SILENCES

Shush please.

WEARING BAD BOXERS

There are so many different types of bad boxers: saggy ones, ones with cartoons over them, ones that don’t look washed, bad patterned ones, ones that are too tight or short, ones that are baggy like something your dad would wear. Literally just go to TKMaxx and buy some Calvins – it’s not hard.

SWITCHING POSITIONS EVERY TWO SECONDS

We’re not on a boat cruise in Magaluf, and we’re not trying to win a free round of drinks for demonstrating how many sex positions we can do in under a minute. Chill the fuck out and let me enjoy missionary for a sec.

TRYING TO DO ANAL BY SAYING ‘YOU DON’T ASK YOU DON’T GET’

Ah, that old chestnut. a) I am not your boss b) I am not your mum c) how about we do anal when then time is right and you’re not just sticking around there and hoping I won’t notice it’s the wrong hole.

WHEN THEY COME AND STRAIGHT AWAY ASK YOU TO FETCH A TISSUE

Talk about killing the vibe.

TALKING TOO MUCH

Now, a little bit of talking and appreciation is definitely good. Tell us we look good, tell us what we’re great at. But if there’s one thing sex doesn’t need, it’s Attenborough style narration from start to finish. Obviously, that feels good and yes of course, I like it. Pay attention to the movement and my groaning, rather than surveying me throughout.

TALKING TOO LITTLE

This is sinister. If you like it, you’ve got to let us know.

WAKING YOU UP FROM YOUR NICE SLEEP BY JABBING THEIR ERECT PENIS IN YOUR BACK

Just the wake up call I wanted!

WHEN THEY DON’T MAKE ANY NOISE

How can I know if you’re enjoying it if you’re just completely….silent? At least give me a few grunts so I know you’re not hating it.

TOO MUCH EYE-CONTACT

I know I’m fit but enough is enough already!

FORCED DIRTY TALK

We get it you watch porn.

COMING ON YOUR FACE

Firstly, how dare you.

Apart from the fact that this is just now an inconvenience, cum in your eye actually really fucking hurts. It’s probably going to be bloodshot for a good few days now so thank you. Thank you so much.

WEIRD SEX NOISES IN GENERAL

I have neighbours can you stop?

REPEATEDLY ASKING “ARE YOU CLOSE YET???”

No Mark! Actually I’m nowhere fucking near!!! If you actually knew how to use your fingers I might be a little bit closer but hey ho!

AND THEN CONSTANTLY ASKING “DO YOU LIKE THAT???”

CHRIST – first you ask me if I’m close, which I’m not because we’ve been getting handsy for approximately eight minutes and you haven’t even gone down on me yet, and now you’re awkwardly fondling my boobs asking me if I like “that”?? What am I meant to be liking here pal?

WHEN THEY KEEP SAYING “SAY MY NAME, SAY MY NAME!!!!”

Look boys, we’ll say your name when WE want to say your name. Continuously asking me to say it leaves me cringing, wondering if I actually do know your name and then wishing I had a mouth gag so you will just stop talking. Some of us ladies don't even like talking in the first place, so begging me to shout your name the entire time just makes the whole experience a complete pile of shit.

WHEN THEY COME AND THINK THE SEX IS OVER, HA.

How selfish can you be???? Okay I'm really glad you've enjoyed yourself to your full climax, however little me over here is BEGGING for you to remember that I too, want to come. Stick your head down there and let me reach full potential. I beg you.

PUTTING ON AWFUL MUSIC LIKE BON IVER OR BEN HOWARD THINKING IT’S MAKING THE MOOD ROMANTIC

The sounds of an acoustic guitar or someone moaning on isn’t making me think “I wanna fuck you right now” – it’s doing the exact opposite.

EQUALLY PUTTING ON SOME ‘SEX PLAYLIST’ WITH D’ANGELO OR R KELLY

This isn’t some American Seth Rogen directed rom-com where the guys puts on some R&B, starts thrusting and she’s into it.

WHEN THEY COME AND PROCEED TO LAY ON TOP OF YOU FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES AFTER

Hate to kill the moment but you're over 6ft and definitely over 10 stone, you are crushing me and I can't breathe

PLAYING MUSIC ON THEIR PHONE

It’s annoying on the back of the bus and Jesus Christ it is annoying now. Never acceptable.

ASKING YOU IF THEY’RE THE BEST YOU’VE EVER HAD

No matter how good the sex was, this is sure to ruin it.

NOT CLOSING THEIR EYES WHEN YOU KISS

Are you staring into my soul? Looking at me and thinking of someone else? Honestly STOP. You’re creeping me out and all that sexual lust I had is evaporating with each intense second of staring.

WHEN THEY COME AND SAY ‘SORRY’.

Is it too late now to say sorry? Yes Dan, it is.

COMING INSIDE YOU AND THEN ASK IF YOU’RE ON THE PILL

Too late now babes, shall we name it after your grandma or mine? Even worse when this is by text the next morning with something along the lines of “you are on the pill right?” You know what lucky for you, yeah I actually am.

GETTING OFFENDED WHEN YOU TELL THEM WHAT TO DO LIKE “I KNOW WHAT A CLIT IS” AND YOU'RE LIKE “DO YOU?”

I am not womansplaining, I am actually just trying to give you valuable life skills. You are thrusting into my thigh crease.

WHEN THEY CAN’T GET IT UP NO MATTER HOW HARD EVERYONE TRIES AND THEY KEEP PUTTING YOUR HAND ON THEIR FLACCID PENIS

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO WITH IT I AM NOT A MAGICIAN!!

WAS THAT GOOD FOR YOU?

Please someone erase this phrase from the sex dictionary forever.

VANILLA SEX

At least go sideways. How boring can you be??

NOT KISSING YOU AFTER GIVING HEAD

If I’m not weird about having had your dick in my mouth then why the fuck are you? Arsehole.

WHEN THEY THINK YOU GIVING THEM HEAD IS ENOUGH TO TURN YOU ON

If a girl says she enjoys giving head, she’s either joking, or plain and downright lying to try and make you think she’s “different from other girls” and is “a keeper”. Yes, we might be amazing and we might know we are but that doesn’t mean that we’re getting any sexual pleasure from it. What part of sucking sweaty balls whilst our nostrils rub up against your stanky shaft sound pleasurable to you?! We just find it cute when you do that little “oh god” when we lick the tip and/or spit on it. Filth, pure filth.

CHOKING AND SPANKING WITHOUT ASKING

News flash: life isn’t a fucking porno and if I met you half an hour ago, don’t make assumptions.

HAVING SEX EVERYWHERE EXCEPT THE BED

Is my bed not good enough for you? Are you not aware of the dangers of carpet chafing? Can we please have some mercy on my delicate skin for a second?

PUSHING DOWN ON YOUR HEAD WHILST YOU’RE GIVING THEM A BLOW JOB

Don’t touch my hair I just washed it. Do it one more time and I swear I’ll bite it off.

ASKING WHY YOU HAVEN’T SHAVED EVERYTHING OFF

Because I don't want to look like I did when I was 12?

SLAPPING YOUR ARSE BUT COMPLETELY MISSING AND HITTING YOUR THIGH INSTEAD

And you don’t want to kill their ego so you pretend you enjoyed that.

WHEN THEIR DICK SMELLS/ THEY HAVE SWEATY BALLS BUT YOU’RE ALREADY DOWN THERE

Okay, so I guess I’m going to be breathing through my mouth for a while, even if it is currently jammed with a smelly penis.

WHEN IT’S BEEN AN HOUR AND YOU BOTH KNOW YOU WON’T COME BUT HE JUST WON’T GIVE UP

I am getting red fucking raw m’dear and I’m probably gonna end up with an UTI after this if you carry on, best have stocked up on cranberry juice.