Ranked: Nikki Glaser’s most savage Golden Globes jokes, including the ones she axed

On Sunday night, Nikki Glaser hosted the 2025 Golden Globes where she issued some of the most savage jokes in award season history, noting subjects ranging from the Diddy scandal to Ozempic.

Just a day later, she revealed the jokes that had been cut from her monologue, which again talked about subjects such as mass shootings, political scandals, and celebrities starving themselves. It was pretty brutal stuff, but without further ado, here are the best jokes from Nikkie Glaser’s Golden Globes stint ranked by how much they made me wince.

1. “Denzel Washington is here. The only thing that has convinced more middle aged men they could pull off an earring than Denzel Washington is cocaine. Kate Winslet is a lot like cocaine. She’s white. She’s always with Leonardo DiCaprio, and I can’t wait to find her at the after party tonight.”

Honestly, I’m still trying to work this one out.

2. “Tonight, we celebrate the best of film and hold space for television.”

It had to be done, but it’s not that mean.

3. “Zendaya, you were incredible in Dune. I woke up for all of your scenes.”

Dune 3 is Zendaya’s moment, I can feel it.

4. “I look out and see some of the hardest-working actors in show business. And by that, I mean your servers.”

Not harsh, just true.

5. “Nicolas Cage is here tonight looking well-rested after a night of sleeping in Elvis’s coffin.”

Nicolas Cage is still a thing?

6. “Squid Games is a show where people starve themselves while ruthlessly competing for the ultimate prize. Oh, wait, no, sorry that’s this show.”

Getting warmer, but still playing it safe.

7. “Welcome to the 82nd Golden Globes, Ozempic’s biggest night.”

The Ozempic line is a little tired now.

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8. “If Adrian Brody could go back in time, he would thank baby Hitler for his career.”

You know things are gonna get good when a Hitler joke makes an appearance.

9. “The Wild Robot is nominated tonight. And by that, I mean Nicole Kidman after two white wines.”

Tbf, who doesn’t love two (or four) glasses of white wine?

10. “Tilda Swinton is, of course, nominated for her role as Timothée Chalamet.”

Timmy should be so lucky.

11. “The film Anora is nominated for four awards tonight. It’s been called the most unflinching look at sex work since Matt Gaetz’s payment history.”

The former US congressman has denied paying “tens of thousands” on sex and drugs.

12. “Glen Powell, what a year you’ve had, Glen; you were in everything — Twisters, Hit Man, my head when I’m having sex with my boyfriend. Thank you so much for the assist; I’ll see you tonight.”

Just stating facts.

13. “Amy Adams is nominated for her performance in Night Bitch, while I was totally snubbed for my performance in Day Slut.”

It was one of Nikki Glaser’s Golden Globes jokes, but I would totally watch Day Slut.

14. “[Timothée], you have the most gorgeous eyelashes…on your upper lip.”

Ouch, sort it out, Kylie!

15. “If you’re a woman over 50 in a lead role, they call it a comeback. If you’re a guy over 50 in a lead role, congratulations, you’re about to play Sydney Sweeney’s boyfriend.”

Omg, Glen Powell is 36?

16. “Daniel Craig is nominated for his performance in Queer, which is a movie and not just what my uncle Chuckie calls Wicked.”

Is Uncle Chuckie wrong? We love our queer Emerald City.

17. “We can’t talk about movies tonight without talking about Wicked. I did not know much about Wicked going into this year because I had friends in high school.”

Don’t knock us theatre kids lower than we already are.

18. “Glen Powell is nominated tonight for Hit Man. Who would have thought that by the end of the year, you’d only be the second hottest hit man in America.”

Too soon?

19. “Oh, look! It’s two-time Holocaust survivor Adrien Brody!”

He does seem to have a staple.

20. “This feels like I’ve finally made it — I’m in a room full of producers at the Beverley Hilton hotel, and this time, all of my clothes are on. So yeah, it was worth it.”

Did anyone spot any producers hiding under the table?

21. I predict, five years from now, when you’re watching old clips of this show on YouTube, you’ll see someone in one of the crowd shots and go, ‘Oh my god, that was before they caught that guy!’”

More of the same, only smarter.

22. “Challengers? Oh my god, it was so good. That movie was more sexually charged than Diddy’s credit card.”

This one has received a lot of pushback on Twitter and from the lawyers representing Diddy’s alleged victims.

23. “Michael Keaton was so great in Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice and Alec Baldwin, sadly, did not come back to play a ghost because he was too busy making them.”

Basically calling him a murderer at one of the biggest award ceremonies. Doesn’t get more savage than that folks.

Featured image credit: Golden Globes