How to hang out with your couple friends
A guide to third-wheeling like a pro
Being friends with a couple is hard, as all third wheels will know. Here’s a guide to hanging out with them without being too awkward.
Get over the fact that they’ll act differently with each other
To start off, if only one of them is your friend, that friend will act differently in front of you: they won’t laugh at your jokes like they normally do and will do anything to impress each other.
When you crack a quality inside joke with one of them, don’t be upset if they just look at you blankly. Deep in their eyes you see that they want to laugh, but instead they may stare at you pretending to not know what you are talking about, slightly shaking their head and pretending they think you’re embarrassing yourself.
Know what to do when they get in an argument
Standard procedure is to sit checking your phone, or maybe pretend you need the loo. One of them’s burned the fish and the other one’s angry, but that rage can be re-directed at you, especially if you observe “we should take out the chips about now”. That probably wasn’t necessary.
Avoid walking in on intimate moments
If you do, leave immediately. They’ll see the funny side eventually, and you’ll all get over it. Unless of course you ask for a threesome, in which case they won’t get over it anytime soon.
Let them know when their PDAs are too much
Look guys, I get that you are in love, but myself and Charlotte were having a lovely conversation about why we would vote Trump just to see a president assassinated in our lifetimes, before you started feeling her up in the middle of the train station.
Yes, a peck or two is fine, holding hands is cool, but hands down pants is not. When they are having a huge PDA moment just back away slowly and pretend you aren’t with them.
Don’t be annoyed when you see one of them by themselves
I promise they will be like how they were when they were single: they will definitely be as much fun, outgoing and crazy as they were before, and will 100 per cent not tell you'”yeah, I can come for a drink but need to be back by 9pm.”
Don’t be weird when you go on a night out with them
Three’s a crowd, right? Unsurprisingly, therefore, going out as a trio is a bad idea. While they hold onto each other the whole night, you’ll buy a round for them then they’ll “forget” about you and keep their backed turned.
You’ll start asking yourself why this was a good idea as they munch each others’ faces off, leaving you to fend for yourself. Next time, ensure you are with a group.
Always keep their secrets
If one of them tells you a compromising secret about the other, no matter how bad it is or how much it makes you judge them, don’t bring it up unless you absolutely must.
This is how you will destroy your friendships with them individually: both for telling a secret to the person they didn’t want you to mention it to, and because whoever you tell it to won’t turn to their spouse in anger, but to you. Save your skin and keep your lips sealed.
Be polite when they try to set you up with one of their cute friends
Basically a double date, apart from you have a blind date. This is a complete stab in the dark, as your date could be anything from Ryan Gosling to a hippo from the local zoo.
One of your friends will be friends with them and completely OK with them, which should help with the awkward silences when everyone realises you aren’t compatible.
Grit your teeth through their openness about their sex life
The longer they go out, the more open they get, the more the weird stuff they do will get weirder.
Basically as soon as they start talking about their sex life, change the subject ASAP or just zone out as they talk about doing something even God couldn’t unsee. It’s not like you’re going to give them a three-way high five just because George likes butt stuff.
Do damage control when they inevitably break up
Save yourself some slack and just don’t bring them to the same party. It was bad enough when they started going out and you barely ever saw them through the honeymoon stage, now you aren’t even allowed to have them on the same street without fights breaking out.
They were never meant to be from the start, I guess.