Someone wrote a grad job bible and it explains every career you could have

“To land an accountancy career, you’ll need to pass exams” – Just one of myriad helpful tips in “The Book of Jobs”, the latest attempt by a twee 30-something to cash in on our generation of confused and naive grads.

It reads like a Cath Kidston shop feels, redundant and flowery. But just in case there were any nuggets of information hidden inbetween the ramblings of someone who’s only ever done one of the 70 jobs in the book, we went through and picked out some gems.

Accountant

Starting salary-£15,000-£25,000

According to the book, “there are lots of accountants” and if you’re considering a career as one, you’ll need to understand “basic bookkeeping”. Which is obviously super helpful, because bookkeeping is literally what accountants do all day every day.

Advertising

Starting salary-£18,000-£25,000

“In the average agency, there are lots of confusing-sounding roles” says the Book, but don’t fear young graduate, they’re all explained for you with lovely sectioned headers. But girls, before you get too excited about a future in ads, the book quotes an experience adman who says:”It doesn’t stretch or bend to accommodate personal life and sadly few women in the industry reach the highest roles.”

Architect

Starting salary- £17,000

According to Lucy Tobin, the 30-year-old journalist responsible for this book, you’re only suited for architecture if “Lego or Meccano was your favourite childhood toy.” She goes on to really helpfully point out that to build buildings you need to consider planning, the environment, building laws and perhaps just as an afterthought “the basic physics of structure”. Sage advice indeed.

Doctor

Starting salary-£22,000-£30,000

“There will always be sick people, and people will always need doctors to help them”- advice from an anonymous consultant that presumably didn’t want their friends and family to know they said something so blindingly obvious. Nestled among other top tips for cracking the industry like a desire “to help people” and “to become a doctor, you’ll have to get into medical school” this nugget of guidance seems right at home.

Graphic designer

Starting salary-£14,000

“Our world would look a lot duller without graphic designers” a statement that’s as true as it is blindingly obvious and the rest of this entry is much the same. “A good designer will need a raft of creative skills”, again describing the most obvious thing about the job and the one thing anyone knows about it.

Hospitality and events

Starting salary-£19,000

Usually reserved for grads from bang average polys, events management is a job that is the butt of a joke more often that not. But for those whose dreams actually lie in organising team-building events for people that work in even duller jobs than them, thankfully the book is on hand to help. To manage events, you’ll need to be “the crazily organised one out of your friends -always planning holidays or nights out.” In other words, to be good at planning events, you’ll need to be good at planning events.

Journalist

Starting salary-£12,000-£19,000

Literally the only career in the whole 300 page book that the author is qualified to write about, it reads in a much less jarring way than every other entry. But, despite there being literally hundreds of thousands of journalists in the world, Lucy Tobin quotes herself for two straight pages on the “big arguments worth watching” and the “stacks of free food” that make up life in a national paper instead of speaking to someone who’s had more than 10 years experience.

Lawyer

Starting salary- £20,000-£42,000

Starting with a tired joke about how lawyers are all liars, this entry meanders from stereotype to stereotype, held together by only the author’s burning jealousy of those earning the vast sums of money that are reserved for lawyers and other highly educated wankers. The most useful piece of advice in the entire chapter is that you need a “first-rate understanding of the law.”

Online Entrepreneur

Starting salary-£Variable

“A decade ago, the idea that you could sit at home and earn a fortune from your laptop was laughable. Now, thousands of people around the world are doing just that.” Making it painfully obvious that she has very little idea about how internet companies work, the author advises wannabe internet superstars to “do it from bed and ditch the suit.” Now who wouldn’t find that attractive.

Politician/Civil Servant

Starting salary-£21,000-£24,000

“Like estate agents and journalists, the profession’s reputation is lower than a snake’s belly.” So starts the optimistic chapter on public servants, which hits such highlights as “just shove aside a few scandals” and “politics might be one of the most derided careers around” before arriving at the conclusion that “to be an MP, you have to have something to contribute.” Inspirational stuff.

PR

Starting salary-£18,000-£20,000

“Your role is to mange someone or something’s reputation. It could be a government campaign, a chocolate bar, or a drug-taking non-stop-partying celebrity who wants to be known only as a clean-living daytime TV presenter.” Gross escalation aside, the author seems to have neglected to mention the days spent in a boring office sending out desperate pitches to journalists who would literally rather do anything other than go to the annual shed makers awards 2015.

Teacher

Starting salary-£21,000-£22,000

“You’ll really want to work with children.” Perhaps the only skill actually mandatory to be a teacher, not hating children is a definite must according to the book. Other things you’ll need to mould the next generations minds are varied. According to Lucy:”You’re a role model, a counsellor, a diplomat, a manager, a life coach, a sexual health advisor…you’re basically mum.” So no pressure then.