No one cares about the pagan roots of Christmas so shut up and go away

Don’t be that guy


Jesus wasn’t born on Christmas.

The Bible at no point specifies when the little baby Jesus was born in his manger, but once the Roman Empire abandoned its pagan traditions they decided the way to prove Jesus was real was to start celebrating his birthday.

If it looks this good, then honestly who cares why we do it

If it looks this good, then honestly who cares why we do it

This makes sense, hats off to the church for making such a logical decision etc.

But every year you get the fanny in the anorak detailing each and every Christmas tradition that has its origins in the now-defunct polytheist religions of antiquity.

Taking a short break from breathing through their mouth, they will sneer about how December 25th was originally used to celebrate the birth of the Sun God.

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Wiping away the spit that has collected around their lips, they tell their five-year-old cousin that not only is Santa Claus the invention of that bastion of capitalism Coca-Cola but a corruption of old pagan ideas of spirits that flew around the world.

They smile to themselves. Another Christmas well ruined.

I have a message for you if you are one of these dicks.

Fuck the fuck off.

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In an increasingly cynical world, it seems unlikely that the population at large believes the way we celebrate Christmas is how Mary and Joe celebrated Jesus’ birthday every year.

Christmas for most people is a chance to spend time playing charades, get inappropriately drunk and insult your extended family, not to listen to jumped up little shits determined to ruin their fun.

Not implying in any way that this guy is a mouth breather or an anorak wearer

Not implying in any way that this guy is a mouth breather or an anorak wearer

Frankly, I think we should incorporate more pagan traditions into our festive fun.

The Romans swore an oath to the emperor fairly often so why not demand fealty to David Cameron before you carve the turkey?

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Virgin sacrifice? How about that cousin who claims he got off with a girl “on holiday” but the only action he gets is from his particularly well-developed right arm.

If one of the mouth breathing, anorak wearing dicks happens to be around you during the festive season politely ask them to leave your company.

If that doesn’t work, just stab them.