What your condom says about you

So apparently there’s widespread confusion about what effective contraception is. Here’s a handy guide to help you pick the right rubber for your rogering.

Natural

This is the condom that has been in your wallet since puberty. It’s generic, simple and does the job (about 98% of the time).

If you bulk buy in ‘natural’ condoms you’re the kind of guy who also bulk buys toilet roll – efficient, calm, and your name is probably Steve.

You don’t live on the edge, your tax return is always done five (working) days early and you’ll have two kids before you’re 33.

Ribbed (for her pleasure)

There is a clear self-esteem issue here. The ribbed condom is a fan favourite for the early balder.

Maybe you think you don’t have enough “moves”, maybe you just want to fool your partner into thinking you have parallel lines on your penis, but what is clear is that your compensating for low confidence.

The ribbed condom just screams mummy problems: it is a clear act of self-deprecation. The kind of rubber that Michael Cera would use.

But fear not because apparently they work. Eddie from Phoenix, Arizona said that “these were awesome, my lady climaxed 3 times before I got off”. Good for you Eddie. Good for you.

Costcutter plastic bag

It’s a Thursday, you just got your Job Seekers Allowance, you hit Oceana with the boys. You spot a young lady, your eyes meet…after a good old bit of dance floor fingering you take her to the alley, do your business then finish the night behind a Greggs.

You wear fake Burberry, drink K-cider and are fucking pumped for your trip to Marbella in late August.

The irony of the “home-made” condom is that you are the type of person who should not procreate the most.

Disclaimer: not actually contraception.

Flavoured

1. You like getting head with a condom on…you’re strange.

2. You eat a lot of asparagus…you’re strange.

3. You have a smelly penis.

FemiDom

You’re in charge, you know what you want, and you are clearly oblivious to how weird it is.

FemiDom can also mean ‘Female Domination’ in some circles, which is the perfect analogy for the user of these devices.

Margaret Thatcher would have fucking loved a FemiDom while she was teaching Denis all about Thatcherism.

French Tickler

This is the condom for the deviant.

It is such an intense love making device that it is sold as novelty only.

Those who like to get their French tickle on most likely also play the jazz flute, suck toes, and have an unusually large tool box. But you rock a mustache like it’s 1953.

(the one with anaesthetic in it)

Clearly you are a premature spunker. An early loader. An untimely cummer. A precipitated finisher. An abrupt jizzer. A rapid milker. A sudden seeder. An impetuous deliverer of two-ball-throat-cream.

(the one that heats up)

The love is fired up in your soul, you have the passion of a South American flamingo dancer.

Your loving is hot, but not hot enough for you. With a name like Alejandro, you run a blog on sex positions for the advanced love-maker.

You spend most of your free time trawling Waitrose for some yummy-mummies, and although not always successful, you will always return the next day.

Custom fit

a) You have so much sex it is the only logical thing to do.

b) You will never have sex.

Poundland condoms

There’s a recession on, we get it, but this is still pretty low.

Darren often visits the Poundland on a Tuesday to stock up on condoms before he goes on to get some food at Aldi and some new garms at Primark. Don’t be that guy. Don’t be Darren.

Extra big

Good for you.

Extra small

Unlucky.