Tinder bios decoded: What your about section says about you

What type of Tindering prick are you?

Your Snapchat/Instagram/Twitter username

You’re not quite getting enough gratification from your other vain social media outlets so Tinder’s the next logical step in your quest to become one of your market town’s internet celebs.

You don’t really care about meeting women. Bragging about how many girls have fallen for your internet chat brings you far more pleasure than actually talking to them in person.

Bonus points for your BB Pin- what is this, 2008?!

Emoji overload

If you use emojis you’re too scared of judgement to use actual words, so you let childish pictures do all the talking. They’re a cowardly hark back to the MSN glory days – back when you were afraif to put those romantic song lyrics on your status. Now you’re the scared inbetweener of the Tinder world, and just as needy and nervous about being accepted.

One of the great philosophers of our time

OMG I love alien’s too

A list of every day activities

Cycling / partying / seeing friends / cooking / TV / drinking / talking, are all great activities, but now Tinder has become a contest of who leads the most vanilla lifestyle.

The winners are people who write needlessly long lists of mundane activities (usually separated by annoying punctuation) that include “hangin wiv mates”, going out on the lash, and hitting the gym. Extra points for listing more than one variation of the same activity.

If you’re really 18-30 you might even slip in a mention of Ket and house music. We can confirm you are normal.

Everyone knows that music sounds better on vinyl, dahling

Can’t beat a good workout

Your height

Are you overcompensating for something? The prestigious height bio club is full of smuggards – and they’re quickly turning Tinder into the pickiest made-to-order dating service around.

At least he is honest…

Your life story

Bless you, over-sharer. This autobiography is written by the sheepish softie who’s genuinely unsure of how much to give away. His bio will tell you where he was born, grew up, went university and how he came to name his pet pug.

This honest chap is probably new to this ‘whole online dating thing’ and squirms at the concept of a one night stand.

A mini rant about how girls never talk first on Tinder

This cry for help is a direct translation of ‘girls never talk to me in real life’.

I don’t like girls who do this and this

If you’re passive aggressive enough, the ladies will flock. This false bravado is exclusively employed by boys who’ve heard from their older brother that being mean to girls makes them fancy you.

Since it hasn’t actually worked in real life, your last hope of being a bit of a picky dick is Tinder.

‘Just an Aussie travelling who needs someone to “show them around”’

In other words, I have an accent and a tan so have sex with me. Surely there can’t be this many Australians.

All you need to know

The deep quote

A meaningless tattooable phrase is a sign that you literally have no imagination. Sentences like “Live life while young” or “taking each day as it comes” don’t mean anything.

Is it necessary to capitalize every word?

Hey does anyone remember this?

The geddit? bio is in some ways the neediest of them all. Examples include “Pokemon LOL” and “catch me on Myspace.” It’s the Tinder equivalent of your getting your Grandad to say “sick.”

In fact, this tactic reeks of someone who was born way before the 90s – all he wants is to fit in.


Holiday plans

You don’t need to use Tinder to prove that you have a social life. Unless you still haven’t left school, “Zante 2k14” is best kept to yourself.

“We can tell people we met in a bar”

You’re late to the party. This warranted the slightest of chuckles back when Tinder was a novelty at about two months old.

har har

Something about how new to you are to this Tinder thing

You are not new to Tinder.


You’re elusive and mysterious. So elusive and mysterious that you’ve had time to upload five photos of yourself, but not had quite a chance to write a few words. Either that or your even more scared of social rejection than the emoji user.