Christmas jobs that are not worth quitting uni for
Can’t be arsed with the January exams? Well, you should be.
January exams getting you down? Think again if you’re planning on sacking off uni. These are the jobs waiting for you if you do…
If you can stand an endless line of spoilt little shits sitting on your knee to tell you how good they’ve been this year, you can earn some good coin as Santa. You’ll also be able to mess with their precious little brains, so when Suzy says her mummy won’t give her a pony this year, tell mummy she can ride something else.
You can also brag to your mates that you’re actually Banter Claus.
Santa’s little bitch has to deal with the aftermath of crushed dreams. So you’d better be prepared to clean up after the kids have wet themselves from a tearful realisation that there won’t be a unicorn under the tree this year.
Bonus is your work uniform can double up for some festive frolicking in the bedroom.
Everyone’s favourite festive hero…. In reality, people expect a road to be gritted if temperatures drop to single figures in this country. If you don’t do your job people will notice. Save everyone the moaning and spray your salty goodness over our roads and motorways so the only excuse for a Christmas Eve crash is getting distracted by that fat twat in the sky getting pulled off by a load of reindeer.
Of course you’ve got to be wirey and spindly enough, so good for any catwalk models out there.
Sticking your bushy shaft down a chimney can be profitable. Especially if you go at the right time. ‘Accidentally’ lower yourself all the way down, cram yourself with mince pies, relieve the family of whatever hard earned gifts they’ve purchased this year and get your ass outta there.
Christmas Day waiter
While your family sit at home in the warm revelling in festive glee – with chestnuts roasting on the fire (because people still do that in this century) – you’re stuck watching everyone else enjoy themselves. Don’t be slow bringing their turkey out though. The fact that you’re slaving away on Christmas Day couldn’t possibly be as important as them fattening themselves while you look on, green with envy.
Get your own back by mixing something similar looking into the bread sauce this year.
Having the estranged wife and the new fiancée round on the 25th is only going to end one way, and you’re going to be the one to deal with it. Should one decide to get violent with the parsnips, the raw turkey is not the only cavity you might have to explore on this holiest of days.