The don’ts of Twitter

Don’t bother to point out that you have your own opinions

This has the distinct look of a trend started by lawyers, notorious around the world as the arch nemeses of fun. It screams “Oh God please don’t sue us” into the cacophany of twitter.

If somebody can’t tell the difference between a personal opinion and the opinion of somebody’s employer than they’re probably too stupid to remember the password for their account and will never read your in-no-way-controversial views anyway.

Don’t write your biography like you’re David Brent

“Entertainer third”? You might as well jump on the desk, do that fucking dance that Ricky Gervais spends half his life pretending he doesn’t want to do and then bust out a cover of the Freelove Freeway.

Don’t use a banterous handle or name

Be honest with yourself. If you’re such a pussy that you can’t even put “fuck” in your bio properly then you’re probably not a genuine God of Booze. It’s more accurate to define yourself as “Joe Scudda”. If the defining achievement of your life is going to watch One Direction then you’re probably not the King Lad. Probably best to stick to @Dalefromtelford or @Desperatewannabelasher. Both are more accurate.

Don’t include a non-biographical biography or a profile picture that isn’t you

Unless Ben Phillips has some sort of as-yet-unnamed Body Dysphoria and thinks he’s a man trapped in the body of a Fanta can then he’s definitely a terrible human being. A ring pull definitely doesn’t qualify as a #GoodLid.

Don’t set up a parody account

@Vice_is_hip is the only funny parody account on Twitter and it’s the only funny parody account that there will ever be. @Queen_UK might be one of the most popular but it essentially consists of “Gin. Nick Clegg. Charles. LOL.” without any actual lols.

Don’t take a #AskSomechump publicity stunt seriously

Everyone knows that #AskATwat is an excuse to make somebody important look like a moron, set back the career of some hapless PR by ten years and have a good giggle while you’re doing it. People want to know which of BoJo’s three affairs was the most fun, not what he thinks of Crossrail.

Don’t troll yourself  by perpetuating a hashtag you disagree with

Fed up of seeing a #hashtag at the top of the trending list? Whingeing about it is going to keep it there. Obviously. You fucking idiot. Just bite your lip and let it go.

Don’t tweet shit that makes other people with your name look like a gimp

This might just be me but not only did @Harry_Hodges get the best handle first but he’s gone on to waste it with a series of life lessons that sound like they came out of Ronan Keating’s reject pile.

Don’t ever fall into the trap of believing your inane activity makes you interesting

The militant tea fanatic is the ultimate example of this trend. A warm cuppa and a choccy biccy is all of a sudden becoming a vital source of self-identity for the sort of joyless bores who’d previously have resorted to telling everyone they could find that “I’m mad I am, I’m mad, everyone knows that about me”. They’re not mad or an individual or in any way “zany”.

They’re normally middle-aged harpies in the middle of a crisis but too poor to afford a sports car, too ugly for a toyboy and too scared to take up skydiving. Avoid at all costs unless you’re expecting to take a place on society’s scrapheap with people who still play Yu-Gi-Oh and that kid with the bifocals who talks to his Warhammer.

Don’t describe yourself as an “afficionado” of something you just kind of like

If you like taking the piss out of your mates you’re a normal human, not a “banter afficionado”. If you like food you’re a normal human, not a “fine dining connoisseur”. If you like your iPad you’re a normal human, not a “technology enthusiast”.

In the ordinary course of daily life you’ve come across some things you enjoy exactly like the other 7 billion of us have. Stop window dressing your preferences with inane titles you Executive Bovine Faeces Producer.

Don’t pretend to be something you’re not…

You’re a journalism student, not a journalist

You’re not a football commentator

You’re not a politician

You’re not an avant-garde voice of the fourth estate

You’re not a tortured genius

Twitter has an almost unmatched capacity for the online construction of your own persona. People will see through it very very quickly especially if it’s complete and utter bullshit.

Football commentators get paid shitloads for a reason, politicians get listened to for a reason, nobody at the Tab actually gives a fuck what you think, Hunter S. Thompson’s legacy is almost definitely safe and save the suspense-building mini articles for when you actually get a job.

Don’t use twitter to be edgy

Weibo is interminably slow, hard to understand and practically nobody has it. It’s the gramophone of social media and the true online home of the hipster. Ditch the “tweet”, “retweet” and “favourite” and opt instead for the “microblogging”, “forward microblogging” and “microblogging praise”.

Tweeting about the grams you dropped in Shoreditch and crying about how hard it is to ironically appreciate Miley Cyrus now she’s become so universally loved/loathed by demographics you don’t fit into is ever so November 2013 you beanie wearing tosser.