How to have an edgy Christmas
Christmas was so last year, time to spice things up a little…
Christmas is fucking boring. No raves, too much non sustainably sourced wrapping paper, and way too much joy.
If being normal isn’t for you, say bollocks to festive tradition, and have an edgy Christmas.
Celebrate it on St. Nicholas’ Day
While everyone’s stuck in lectures and cramming for deadlines, you spent the 6th December the European way, giving gifts and handing out saint shaped gingerbread.
Decorating a tree with tinsel is far too mainstream. Take 6 inches of tinsel, staple it into a circle and tie up that unwashed hair of yours.
If you’re a guy, use it to hold up your top knot/man bun.
Alternative Xmas songs
Nat King Cole?! Farck off it’s all about Günther and the Sunshine Girl’s Christmast Song. Alternatively (because you don’t do the norm) check out Run D.M.C’s Christmas In Hollis.
Place your idol’s face on top of a tree
Chopping down trees kills the planet, so grow your own Bonzai. And while you’re at it, top it off with everyone’s favourite edgy idol Seth Troxler.
Oh, and decorate it with something different for a change…
Christmas Pudding Snuff
For that extra buzz that a brandy soaked flameball just doesn’t give you, stick this up your nose. Snuff said.
Have a white Christmas
Encountering your aunt telling you how tall you’ve got, asking what they’ve been feeding you at uni, etc. Gawd, so drab. There is only one solution.
Get Boddika to number 1
You don’t normally buy music. You don’t even use iTunes (you’re more of a Beatport user).
But for the sake of this dj who played a house party for your mate in North London once and shared some MD with you, you want this guy at Christmas number 1.
Go out on Christmas Day
The nice list is too mainstream anyway.
A Finnish Christmas film
Love Actually? Pssh. Miracle of 34th Street? Fuck that old man. Elf? Will Ferrell shouting at things isn’t funny. How about Scandinavia?
Gluten free / veggie dinner
The tradition of turkey is so passé, especially if it’s not organic or bought from a high end butcher from the same price as a kilo of crack. Pop down to your local health food store for the finest in gluten free, vegan, low calorie, non g.m nut roast.
And no dairy please.
Get festive with your food blog
Branch out from the orthodox and boring. Fuck up the English language while you’re there.
While the rest of your friends and family wear those typically uncool paper hats from the crackers, rock your best Jesus snapback. For today, a king was born.
Avoid Christmas jumpers
Everyone’s wearing the itchy festive numbers now. You were rocking them five years ago. Take things further this year.
Play Go instead of Monopoly
Monopoly is so conformist. We need something minimalist and soothing. Try out ancient Chinese board game Go, a Christmas day favourite of Howard Marks and Einstein.
Boxing Day rave
Eating is cheating and you don’t do leftovers. Plus who wants to hang out with their family.