Stoned to Death

Stoners: easy-going, loveable goofs? Wrong, says Will Lloyd, they’re the laziest, most delusional crowd at university.

Are you a fan of idle and nonsensical bullshit? Do you like to hear the sound of people laughing at their own jokes?

Yeah? Then come and hang out with the stoners, the laziest, most boring and most delusional crowd at university.

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Stoners see themselves as easy-going, goofy and lovable types, kinda like Shaggy from Scooby Doo. They sincerely believe that being able to tell the difference between White Widow and Big Bud makes them guardians of crucial knowledge. They are inherently cooler than you or I.

Hilariously, stoners also think that smoking marijuana makes them smarter than everybody else. The truth is, being high makes you dumb: your eyes start closing involuntarily, you laugh at things which aren’t funny and you can’t follow what other people are saying.

There’s nothing wrong with being in this state – except that your average stoner thinks that it’s the perfect frame of mind for an in-depth debate about the War on Drugs.

This shit basically makes you one of Plato's philosopher kings.

Join a group of stoners as they indulge in one of their red-eyed and glazed ‘discourses’ on the hidden symbolism of Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle and try your best not to tear off your eyelids to make earplugs.

I’d rather be the Chief Administrator of Enemas to Gordon Brown than have to sit through another one of those pedestrian chats or hear about some ‘magical’ weekend spent in Amsterdam. There is no other group at university (student politicians aside) more in love with the sound of their own voice.

Smokin' a phat wan - the stoner ideal.

Smokin’ a phat wan – the stoner ideal.

Heavy use of marijuana robs the stoner of any kind of individuality. Observing them has always reminded me of that bit at the end of Animal Farm when the poor overworked creatures look from pig to man and can’t tell the difference.

Stoners are an unbelievably homogenous constituency – the same shit films watched over and over again by the same middle class white boys in the same tie-dye shirts and dreadlocks. And all that with a soundtrack of boorish reggae – a genre of music remarkable for its tediousness and lack of diversity (perfect for stoners then)

The path to failure: lined with zoots (photo: tmwl.project76.tv).

The path to failure: lined with zoots (photo: tmwl.project76.tv).

University can be the greatest time of your life. Why you’d spend it puffing the magic dragon in a fetid bedroom alongside people with all the charisma of a wet cardboard box is completely beyond me.

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