How to… survive Baby Mania

Unless you’ve been living under a rock, you’ll have seen Kate’s having a baby. Here’s how to survive the ensuing media frenzy.

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1. Amuse yourself with some of these.

2. Get your hands on one of these:

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3. Set up a petition for royal christening to become a bank holiday; because if there’s a day off work involved then we’ll happily embrace all the mania royalist nutters have to offer.

4. Read The Guardian (well, obviously only after you’ve read The Tab…) which provides a Republican/Royalist filter for its site.

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5. Only read twitter feeds with #realnews for the next month… make that six months.

6. Move to Tetepare. Limited internet access and totally uninhabited. Perfect for not talking about that thing we’re not going to mention any more. Fox news provides a list of the five most remote places you can visit.

7. Missing your normal Daily Mail fix now that it’s been entirely taken over by Britain’s biggest womb? Missing articles explaining why immigrants give you cancer and the EU is destroying the UK’s swan population? Never fear, Daily Mail-o-matic can provide you with computer-generated and seemingly genuine headlines to get you through this otherwise barren time (no pun intended).

8. Read The North Korean Times. Heavily censored yes. Royal Baby news? No. (Well as long as you avoid the Parenting section) Makes for a sobering read. Especially the international relations sections.

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9. Get Drunk. With the option of a Kid Royale, the HRH, Royal Blue or Pink Princess making an appearance at all the trendy bars this weekend you might as well sling back a couple (or four) to really send all that baby news into oblivion.