A definitive ranking of every single Bachelor, from most trash to ultimate husband material

The Bachelor. The pop culture stalwart. The reality show everyone loves to hate. We swear it’s staged garbage, yet every Monday we stop our lives to see which one of America’s sweethearts goes home, and scream at the TV as the one everyone hates (Corrine) stays for another week.

For those of you who — like me — haven’t missed a season, you have spent 17.25 days of your life watching The Bachelor give or take a day or two.

207 episodes x 2 hours each (roughly)/ 24 hours in a day = 17.25 days

The verdict is still out on whether this is an accomplishment or a tragedy. Either way, I believe the 17.25 days of my life I have spent watching The Bachelor qualify me to rank the bachelor men. Let us start with the douchiest of the group.

Juan Pablo

Just a truly despicable human being with an even more despicable fauxhawk. Everything about Juan Pablo is creepy and crawly from the alleged highly inappropriate comments he made to finalist Clare Crawley in the helicopter, to only being able to tell Nikki Ferrell he “likes her a lot” when he gave her the final rose. This guys sucks. The only way he could be any worse is if he started wearing Vineyard Vines and asking “Who do you know here?”

Brad Womack

Brad Womack is an attention whore. Why ABC allowed him to be The Bachelor twice is unclear. Womack didn’t pick either of the final two women the first time he was the Bachelor, and the second time he picked the beloved Emily Maynard, whom he dumped before the show even finished airing. It seems Womack was loving the spotlight instead of focusing on his love life.

Jake Pavelka

Pavelka didn’t show his true colors until after the show finished airing. He said some nasty things about Vienna, the winner, and had a fit of rage when Vienna had the audacity to consult a GPS for directions because by doing so she was undermining his masculinity. He appeared on Dancing with the Stars, and thus made it very clear he was in it for the money not a happily ever after. This Instagram caption is a perfect example of how classless he is, “This pic is too funny #whatwasithinking.”

Alex Michel

He really didn’t do anything wrong, but I watched this season when I was seven, and I remember thinking “I hope I don’t ever marry someone like this doorknob.” So, he couldn’t have been too great if he sparked that kind of judgment from a child. Not to mention he was the first Bachelor, so the show still had some polishing to do.

Jason Mesnick

I reluctantly put Jason so close to the rest of the terrible bachelors, because despite telling America he made the wrong choice picking Melissa Rycroft, and asking runner-up Molly for a second chance, he somehow won my heart. Maybe I like a man who goes after what he wants, or maybe I just like that his and Molly’s wedding was live on national television. Who knows — either way what Jason did was pretty douche-y, but it turned out okay for everyone involved. Melissa found love, and Jason and Molly are still happily married with two children.

Charlie O’Connell

He wasn’t terrible but he definitely wasn’t America’s sweetheart. He didn’t propose to Sarah Brice when he gave her the final rose, which is kind of the whole point of the show. He also never seemed like the kind of guy you would want to bring home to meet mom. He drank too much and gave everyone the heebie-jeebies.

Ben Flajnik

The kind of guy who thinks with his penis. He chose Courtney Robertson, who every girl in the house hated, but Ben couldn’t see past her beauty to realize she actually sucked. And that makes him an idiot.

Prince Lorenzo Borhese

He was an okay guy who chose a great girl, but he was a prince who lacked any sort of oomph. He was honestly kind of boring and his title created a lot of hype he definitely didn’t live up too. Now, if ABC wants to try the whole prince thing again, Prince Harry would definitely increase ratings.

Andrew Baldwin

This season wasn’t anything special. The couple called off their engagement really soon after the finale aired. Baldwin could walk down the street and not one person would recognize him, his season was just that forgettable.

Aaron Buerge

He was vanilla. There has to be some middle ground to compare the best and the worst to and that’s exactly what Aaron is, the middle ground.

Travis Stork

Who? Yeah I don’t really remember either. All I remember about this guy is that he was a doctor, who has since been on the show The Doctors. I will say he is super hot now, and just irrelevant enough where he’s likely fair game for anyone who is interested.

Bob Guiney

He is the kind of guy your mom tells you to date. He was kind, normal, and pretty boring. His appeal was his normalcy. He wasn’t flashy and that made him really likeable, but also easy to forget.

Matt Grant

I loved this season and it had nothing to do with Matt Grant. Me and the rest of America had a huge girl crush on Shayne Lamas. She ran the show, and Matt was just a supporting character. The two didn’t last very long but had a very amicable split, and I think that proves Matt was a decent guy.

Byron Velvick

Byron was a pretty down-to-earth guy, who made a pretty good choice with Mary Delgado. The pair lasted five years before they split because Delgado hit him, allegedly because during a Bachelor reunion Byron alluded to the fact that he didn’t want to marry her.

Jesse Palmer

Jesse’s season wasn’t anything spectacular. He was a fun football loving guy. His roll on Good Morning America, and overall charm is the only reason he made it out of the forgettable section, and into the good guys.

Andrew Firestone

I’m not sure why I love him, but I do. He seems so warm, and he really knows how to turn on the charm. He chose Jen Schefft, who is one of the sweetest contestants in Bachelor history. They seemed like the perfect couple — too bad they broke up.

Chris Soules

Chris Soules is possibly the most boring bachelor of all time, but he’s just far too nice to put any lower on the list. Honestly he has no personality, and watching his season was kind of like watching paint dry, but he’s just SO NICE. He also does a lot of charity work and America seems to really love him.

Nick Viall

Ranking Nick so close to the top is risky. He has had his fair share of douchebag moments, and being on the show four times doesn’t make him look like the most stand-up guy, but after watching him talk to Danielle about her past last week, I have hope for him. The pain of rejection has knocked Nick’s inflated ego down a few notches, and there is a definite possibility he could become one of the most beloved Bachelors.

Sean Lowe

Sean is funny, kind, intelligent, a great dad and loves his wife Catherine with all of his heart. What more could you want in a man?

Ben Higgins

Nick has some large shoes to fill because America is still in love with Ben, the most recent Bachelor. I’m not going to lie — I may have shed a tear or two when he sent Jojo home. But Ben and Lauren have proved to be exactly the love story America needs. A truly all American boy, who isn’t afraid to cry or show off the women he loves. Not to mention Ben and Lauren are constantly supporting great charities like Humanity and Hope and She Lift.

America has seen it all, and we will continue to glue our eyes to the TV every Monday and drink too much wine with our gal pals until the end of time, or whenever The Bachelor is finally cancelled. Whichever comes first.