If majors were Justin Bieber songs
Which subject gives you purpose?
Unless you live under a rock or are still holding a grudge against the atrocity that was Boyfriend (still can’t eat fondue, tbh) you’ve probably listened to Justin Bieber’s Purpose 16 times now.
And you’ve probably found yourself wondering, how do these songs apply to life at good ol’ UVA?
Well, look no further. In conjunction with many high-level art experts and academics*, I have analyzed the songs and majors at UVA to find the perfect match for each.
*There were no art experts or academics, just me.
Econ/Math – Mark My Words
Ignore the media. This song is not about Selena, but definitely about an Econ or Math major. Just like them, this song wants to prove to you something – mainly that they are as good if not better than a Comm student. Mark their words, they’re gonna be an Investment Banker, too, just watch!
They will also try to convince you they love what they’re studying, and while that may be true for the math majors, don’t let the Econ kids fool you.
Engineering – Life is Worth Living
Engineers perhaps have the most demanding workload, but, unlike Comm, they won’t complain about it too much. That’s because they’re busy letting themselves know that life outside of Engineering is great.
Perhaps the mistake they are convinced is worthy of forgiveness is choosing to be in the E-school at UVA in the first place. But hang in there, if Justin can move on after Selena, you can make it through your plethora of group projects to find the light at the end of the Corner and somehow move past all of your coding problems.
Media Studies – I’ll Show You
Members of the trendiest major on Grounds embody this JBieb song more than any other. If there were ever a group of people under some perceived amount of stress that doesn’t actually exist, it’s Media Studies majors.
Between complaining about their papers on pop culture or all the movies they have to watch before Friday, there’s very little sympathy for them.
But don’t try to explain to them how easy they have it because they’ll be quick to demand you don’t “forget that they’re human.” Whatever, they’ll show you one day when they somehow become a Studio Exec after studying phones and the Internet for four years.
Comm School – Purpose
Internship two years in a row turns into a job offer? Check. A wardrobe of professional attire before you can legally drink? Check. A high horse you manage to ride everywhere? Check. Comm school gives your life purpose, and your life has purpose because of Comm school.
And just like Jelena, maybe you weren’t in the best position to make the best decisions, so I’ll forgive you for cutting me in line at Trinity, you go-getter, you.
English – What Do You Mean?
Literally every follow-up question in every English class is “what do you mean?”
Whether someone means it as a way of pushing the conversation deeper or some esoteric asshat used a bunch of words you don’t know and you literally need to ask them what they mean, this song about confusing gestures and intentions is what an English major is all about.
And whenever someone says something along the lines of “Well, the alliteration and anaphora lead to a fairly recursive effect that creates a trapping echo chamber for the sonnet,” you honestly don’t know if they’re “happy or complaining,” and all you can really say is “what do you mean?”
Bonus points if you’re in a niche major like Poetry or Fiction Writing within the English Major and have to ask this question on a scarily frequent basis.
Philosophy – Love Yourself
Let’s be real, no other major on Grounds throws shade like Philosophy majors, and this power ballad throws mad shade. Whether it’s misquoting Aristotle or using the term “Freudian slip” incorrectly, a Philosophy major will be quick to correct you with a snicker on the side.
And your mom doesn’t like you but she likes everyone? Sounds like an Oedipus complex to me. Talk to Freud. Or was it Nietzche? I don’t know.
Global Development Studies – Children
This song is literally about saving children, and every GDS major ever will let you know about the various policies that are literally killing children everywhere, and you’re just like, “That’s terrible, but please just let me enjoy this beer. It’s Saturday night.”
Just like Bieber’s song which seems like a tiny island of humanity surrounded by a sea of fire (because, let’s be real, that album is fire) your GDS major friend will be the one shining beacon amidst all your asshole friends who are just trying to turn up.
Women Gender Studies/History – Sorry
If everything you learn in a WGS or History class doesn’t have you saying “sorry” to someone, you were probably asleep in class. But these people are forgiving, they’ll give you the second chance you probably don’t deserve.
A-School – The Feeling
Are you in love with everything architecture, or are you in love with the feeling you get from being the low-key hipsters of UVA?
This song about hollow love seems to resonate somewhere with the kids in the A-school. Similar to the Comm School, but less douchey and more artsy, A-schoolers are all about proving they have their lives together and complaining about work you don’t understand. But they seem to love their respective school, so how could this be?
Because they, like Justin, are in love with the feeling. #deep.
Think I fucked up royally? Or missed your major altogether? Correct me in the comments!