All of the people you hate in Du Bois right now

If you have time to watch Netflix, PLEASE LEAVE

For people who frequent the library regularly, there is nothing worse than randoms who stroll onto your floor and think they can just make the rules.

There were rules in place before you got here. This is MY turf, and I will fight for it.

So, here’s a definitive list of all of the people I would like removed from this library, as well as this planet, forever.


What are you even doing here? Don’t you have a frat to be at or something? That better be Ruby in that water bottle. Biology of Social Issues doesn’t actually count at a class. Save yourself some time and hand in literally any old essay. I promise they won’t read it.


Desk Hoggers

You have to be joking. 80/20 is not a fair split. This is a Democracy. There is a special place in Hell for people like you.


That person crying in the stairwell

I just. I can’t help you.

Everyone who just remembered they are a student


I C U.

The girl who asked me to quiet down and then went back to scrolling through Instagram

#Nobody #Cares #About #Your #Yogi #Blog #Bless

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Or back to being on Tinder

The guy who sat in the desk next to me even though every other desk is empty

Why you so obsessed with me?

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Person with a laptop who is also using a library computer

Just why? This isn’t monopoly. Get your grubby hands off my stuff and try sharing the wealth. Heathen.

People who write for The Tab

Excuse me? Have you even heard of the Daily Collegian? You wouldn’t know real journalism if it slapped you in the face you Tabbers.

Don't think we won't publish Yaks against ourselves.


The guy who has time to eat

What is this? Spring break? Goddamn. I remember when school used to be school.

The girl who took the table with the plug even though I got there before her

Where the F did you learn your manners? When you get up to use the bathroom I am going to chew through your power cord and then smash your Mac on the ground.

The dude talking loudly on his phone

“Uuuuuuh, I dunno’ what are you doing tonight?” “Uuuuuuuuuuuh, I dunno’ what do you think?” “Uuuuuuh yeah we could go there.” “Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuh SHUT UP BEFORE I GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT ::::)”.

The girl who is making everyone listen to her Spotify playlist

I am literally going to deck you in the face.

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For some reason “If you want to keep me, you gotta, gotta, gotta, gotta, got to love me harder” really just isn’t conducive to studying. Thanks for playing!

The guy who has time to watch Netflix but is still sitting with me and my friends who are actually studying

Every single person at this table hates you more than every person they have ever hated in their life. Combined.

That dude who took his shoes off

You are DISGUSTING. Didn’t your mother teach you anything? You will never make it in this world. I will make sure of that.

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The guy who hasn’t showered in five days because he hasn’t left the library in five days

Keep on keeping on.

Love, Monster.

Love, Monster.

The guy who is printing 100 pages

If I’m late I am going to carry you to my class and sacrifice your blood to my lecturer.

UMass Amherst