Reasons I love the phrase ‘walk of shame’
And if you can’t detect the sarcasm, you’ve misunderstood
The phrase ‘walk of shame’ is one that highlights the impossible standards placed on women in regard to sex and relationships. I have never heard of a man returning to his dorm the morning after a sexual encounter receiving anything other than high fives and fuck yeahs.
However, what is particularly interesting about the phrase ‘walk of shame’ is the layers of judgment behind it. While exteriorly someone might argue that the phrase is nothing more than a silly jab at a woman’s messy hair or smeared eyeliner, in reality it is a lot more like a stab, and it has nothing to do with our eyeliner.
The phrase ‘walk of shame’ is one that is used to point out and criticize the fact that Oh my GOD! A woman partook in AND MAYBE EVEN ENJOYED sex last night!?! How could that possibly be? What can we do to amend this?!
Oh, I know! Let’s call it the ‘walk of shame’ and make females feel shitty about enjoying the same exact pleasures I do absolutely nothing but talk, think, and converse openly about because I am a male. Haha, I love the gender binary!!
Here’s looking at you Robin Thicke
And what’s more! I’ll even supply her with a walk of shame kit so that 1) she won’t have to embarrass herself on her walk home from enjoying sex as an independent woman, and 2) she won’t have to embarrass me, because this way nobody will ever find out that I might in fact be associated with a woman who has smudged makeup and unbrushed teeth in the morning. My teeth are always shining and I always smell amazing. Males rule!
Perfect. Nailed it.
So let me get this right, straight boys. If I’m not a stunning, fit, long-haired, boyfriend-worshiping goddess by the time I’m 22, I’m a loser who can’t get it together and get a guy.
But, the second I try and amend my appearance to your liking as a means of attracting one of you, because you know I need you to support me and all while I live and work at home for the rest of my life, I am shameful. I am slutty. And I am certainly not girlfriend material. Great. I’m taking notes. No mixed messages at all!
STOP. SLUT. SHAMING. In fact, stop using the world slut. I’m the only one who can use that word. And if I so desire, I will use it proudly.
Ladies, we can look to Lily Allen’s album Sheezus for inspiration. And men, it’s high-time you listen up:
“If I told you ’bout my sex life, you’d call me a slut. When boys be talking about their bitches, no one’s making a fuss. There’s a glass ceiling to break. There’s money to make. And now it’s time to speed it up ’cause I can’t move at this pace.”
You can’t expect us to be unbelievable in the sheets and then reprimand us for being sexual beings. This ‘lady in the streets, freak in the sheets’ crap is unbelievable. We are multifaceted. We are human. We can’t (and we won’t) hide certain parts of our personalities because they are not convenient for you and your image at this point and time.
How about our image? How about how we want to present ourselves? It’s not my fault you’re insecure about the fact that you can’t make me ‘O’. Oops, did I say that out loud again? Sorry!
So I’m going to take my damn victory lap, and I’m going to enjoy it. I need to be able to say I at least enjoyed one thing in the past 24 hours, since we all know you did.