UConn bans hoverboards, fun

As announced in a recent public safety email, UConn has placed a ban on the use of hoverboards.

The email said hoverboards cannot be “charged, operated, stored, or used inside residence halls and all other University of Connecticut buildings”, due to concerns over ignitability.

This shocking announcement comes as a devastating blow to the roughly twelve people on campus who use hover boards, and the roughly 18,000 people who stare at them for entertainment.

While the university will say this ban may be the in the best interest of our safety, at what cost will this safety come? What other fundamental human rights will UConn trample on?

And before you ask, no this right is not in the Constitution, because much like the rights to smoke indoors and own exotic pets, it is implied. After all, when the Founding Fathers traveled to Philadelphia to sign the Constitution, did they walk? No, they took horses, the hoverboards of colonial America.

This hoverboard ban put in place by the University is nothing more than a witch hunt, because much like an actual witch hunt it involves a lot of people and things catching on fire. The student population should not be surprised by this however, because last month’s tuition increase has shown as all that Supreme Leader Herbst will stop at nothing to make sure all of our joy is gone.

Perhaps it is because her heart is three sizes too small that Susan Herbst looks down on all of us gleefully rid of the oppressive burdens of exercise and feels nothing but cold hard malice, but for her sake I say that we all pitch in and buy her a hoverboard as a belated Christmas gift. This will help her understand that the future is now, and that it should probably not be plugged in for more than 20 minutes.