Grieving my boyfriend’s death in college is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do

It was close to 1:30am and I got a text: “Answer your phone. This is a priority.”

Naturally, I got a call, and I answered. Little did I know after I hung up, my life was about to be changed forever. I dropped the phone and immediately started shaking. I don’t remember much after that besides falling over onto the floor and running to the bathroom to throw up. I had just gotten the worst news any 19-year-old girl in love could ever get. The voice on the other end of the phone had told me that my boyfriend was gone.

“He’s gone, Maddie”

My boyfriend was gone.

Gone as in never coming back? I remember asking myself.

Gone as in….dead?

My boyfriend was dead.

May 24th, 2015 was the day that changed my life forever. My boyfriend, Ryan, was in a tragic motorcycle accident and passed away immediately after the crash. The same road I had driven down all my life, the road that I drove on with the windows down, music blasting with him next to me, was now suddenly the most dreaded place – a road that had taken away the most important person in my life. The person that made me whole, had been taken at 23.

The following weeks I found myself stunned, quiet, in disbelief, and depressed. I am thankful I had my family by my side  through it all and I am forever grateful that his family took me in as part of their family. We all came together to push through the tough weeks and months that were to follow. Without the support of my family, his family (who are my family, too), and my friends, I’m not sure I would have been OK.

This article is not meant to tell you the story of Ryan’s tragic death, but it is more or less to help anyone else that is going through something similar or the same as I am. Whether you are grieving the loss of a parent, a grandparent, a friend, a girlfriend, or a boyfriend – dealing with grief and being in college is a tough act to balance.

Only about three months after losing Ryan, September rolled around and I realized I had to go back to school. This meant leaving my support system and the people that were there for me through all of this. This meant I wouldn’t be 15 minutes away from his grave, I wouldn’t be 15 minutes away from his family, I wouldn’t be right down the road from where we made our memories, and to top it all off, I had to balance schoolwork, depression, loneliness, moodiness, crying, and the plethora of emotions that are attached to grieving.

I really didn’t think I was going to be able to do it, but I knew that he was my biggest supporter and I couldn’t let him down. I was determined to make this one of the most successful years of my college career for him. I knew he was watching.

A few things to remember if you’re dealing with grief while in school.

Find your passion and run with it

Throw yourself into your passion when you feel the sadness arising. Don’t block it out, but don’t let it consume you. Use that passion and desire and intensify it with the emotions that are filling your heart. Anytime you feel low or like you’re about to break down, exercise your passion and remember why you do it. Falling in love with what you do is a lot like falling in love in real life.

Since my love was taken from me, I re-fell in love with theatre and the arts. About two months after Ryan passed away, I was in a musical and the cast, the show, and my love for the theatre helped to heal me. When I returned to school, I threw myself into creating a musical theatre club and performing in the first showcase on my campus.

My motivation was that I knew I needed an outlet for everything I was feeling and this was my passion. The feeling that my passion gave to me was similar to the feelings you feel towards someone you love, so it worked. I also knew that my angel would be looking down on me, proud, which is more than I can even ask for.

Surround yourself with people that lift you up, not bring you down

They say that the people around you reflect your mood. One of the best things I did for myself that helped me deal with grief was establish a steady group of trustworthy, honest friends who deeply cared for me. I also relied a lot on my family and on Ryan’s family, but at school, I surrounded myself with the people that would understand my story, my emotions, and my situation.

These friends picked me up when I was breaking down, these friends reminded me of everything I had to be grateful for, and these friends remained with me through it all. My advice is to rid yourself of the people that you know are bad for your life and surround yourself with genuine people who truly want happiness for you. I am thankful I have amazing people in my life – I wouldn’t be where I am without you guys.

Do not rush your grieving process

I had, and still continue to have, people who tell me that I need to “get over it” or I need to “not have so many pictures of him in my room” or that I “shouldn’t get a tattoo because then I will have that on my body forever.” Some people even go as far as telling me that “it’s almost been a year, move on.”

What those people don’t realize is that I will never fully be over it, I will never have too many pictures him, he IS worth a tattoo on my body forever because he is one of the greatest people I’ve ever met, and I will never completely move on. It is important to remember within yourself that you grieve at your own pace, you grieve however you need to grieve, and you do not let people make you feel wrong for feeling how you feel. Feel how you feel. Grieve. It’s OK.

Remember that it is normal to breakdown

You will have your days, minutes, and hours where all you want do is bask in your sadness and cry hard. You will want to scream and shut the door in everyone’s face. You won’t want to be comforted. You won’t know how to make the deep pain in your heart go away. The best advice I can give is to simply let it happen. You have to let yourself breakdown. Not too much to the point where it consumes your daily life and activities, but you have to let it out and be OK with it. Let yourself have your moment. “Grief is the price we pay for love.”

As this school year comes to a close, I feel like I have made Ryan proud. He was constantly reminding me all I had to offer the world and often referred to me as limitless and I feel now that I am. This year was one of the most successful years of my college career. I am almost ready to graduate, I received two awards within my university, I got to perform in more things this year than I have been ever had the chance to in college before.

I also participated in many off/on campus events that I definitely wouldn’t have before. I created a club and continue to work diligently on it and within my other student organizations I am a part of. I received an internship for the summer and for the fall.

Lastly, I have found some happiness again. I have some of the greatest people behind me, supporting me, and not giving up on me.

Most importantly, I feel like I have made Ryan proud.

I remember standing on the podium at the church, looking out into a huge crowd of teary-eyed souls grieving the death of such an amazing, truly amazing young man and thinking, this cannot be real. What am I going to do? How am I going to get through this? My heart was in my stomach. After I gave a short speech about Ryan at the funeral, I looked out to the crowd full of his family and friends, and his casket that was a few feet beneath me, and I was truly broken. I felt my heart breaking and crumbling.  I remember his mom hugged me and told me, “Thank you for that.” I broke down, and that is when I knew that this school year was going to be absolutely unbearable.

But, it wasn’t as bad I thought.

I made it.

So, If you are grieving, do not give up on your life. You will be OK.

Though I still have my breakdowns, I know they will be with me for the rest of my life and I am OK with that. I will forever be grieving the death of my loved one, because you never stop. I thank Ryan every day. I am who I am because of him and I love him for that, very much.

What we have once loved deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes a part of us.

In loving memory of Ryan Michael Dillon 4/15/1992 – 5/24/2015