I tried to go on 7 Tinder dates in a week… and completely failed

When Tinder first came out it was one of those things everyone was curious about or had tried, but that no one wanted to own up to doing—like trying all Starbucks seasonal Frappuccino’s or tax evasion. Now, it still holds somewhat of a stigma, but at least people are owning up to having met up with someone, or met up with the one, on Tinder.

Now that I’m a freshman at a school like Penn State, though, I’m quickly realizing Tinder isn’t necessary to score any ass—seriously. Party hopping from frat to frat on the weekends is basically equivalent to swiping left or right on the app. You walk into Theta Chi and you’re not feeling it tonight? That’s alright, just walk left to Zeta Psi and maybe you’ll find the right match.

But I was curious: what was Tinder like in a college town? So, I attempted to go on 7 Tinder dates in 7 days, but, interestingly (or perhaps obviously) enough, I couldn’t manage to get 7 people to go on a date with me. Sure there were offers of “Netflix and chill” and it’s many variations, but it was a lot harder to get my matches to agree to meet me somewhere public for some “coffee and conversation.”

I ended up going on only 1 date, but I did receive a lot of fascinating messages. So, here’s what it’s like to use Tinder at State College*.

*I’ve protected these fuck boi’s identities so I don’t get sued and/or murdered

Here is my profile. I find a good bio invaluable, don’t you?

Day 1

The Grad Student: Parker, 27

I met Parker at the Panera downtown. We had been texting on and off for a few days prior, and I was admittedly a little nervous to meet him.

Three things I noticed right off the bat

He was really smart

He had a good sense of humor

He looked nothing like his photos (though he was cute, if not short). I actually think he used a random person’s picture for his profile.

I think I was a little rusty on date decorum because I opened the door for him and then walked through it myself when he hesitated. To this he replied, “Oh how kind… oh maybe not.”

We were off to a wonderful start.

Actually, it was a pretty decent date. There was a lot of laughter and jokes, but I definitely felt out of my depth at some points, specifically when we started talking about capitalism and the current state of the economy. There was at least a solid 10 minutes when he started talking about the potential benefits of communism where my eyes sort of glazed over, and I began thinking about my upcoming Comparative Literature exam.

Still, I started off the date anxious to leave and study for my exam, but by the end of it had to admit it wasn’t too terrible. After all, he was a nice guy. We had a nice time and covered a wide range of topics, including, but not limited to: music, driving, high school and the wonders of living in State College.

It ended after an hour.

Surprisingly enough, we went out again, and the second date was pretty awkward and borderline horrific in my opinion.

Whereas once his playful ribbing of my only child and, thus inevitably, spoiled upbringing was charming, now I felt mild discomfort and irritation at his presumptions.

Plus, honestly, dude was condescending as hell.

I think the weirdest part of the night though was when we were paying our bill, and after I got my card back, he very pointedly looked over at me and went, “you did tip, didn’t you? I used to be a waiter…so I know how awful it is to not get tips.” This all occurred as my pen was poised over the receipt, ready to write in a tip.

He also slightly reprimanded me for absentmindedly taking my customer copy of the receipt. You know, the copy that you’re allowed to take, ergo the name.

Lovely. Anyways, after that, he texted me twice and I never answered and have not seen him since.

Although I only had one date, I had a lot of… interesting messages. Here is a selection of my favorites:

Watermelon boy

I actually really love watermelon, just not his.

The Prisoner of Sexkaban

Dude really put in effort for the line; I’ll give him that.

401 K

This one is actually my favorite, and also probably the most truthful.

PB&J

I have a nut allergy in addition to my fruit and seed one.

Tinder: an enclave of self-loathingBonnie and Clyde

Too bad I didn’t tell him I’m actually a pretty bad driver. Mexico seems lovely this time of year though.

The honest one

I think this is about the closest I had to a genuine conversation on this app.

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Conclusion: Honestly, it was sort of hard to get a date on Tinder. Guys would message you, sure, but usually to invite you over right this second. Hardly anyone was interested in getting to know you, but then again, what do people really use Tinder for?

So, basically, I was on Tinder for roughly a month, and I’m still single. I think I will let that speak for itself. On the plus side, my pointer finger feels stronger from all that swiping.

@TheTab