How it felt to lose my mom in college

It was June 16th, 2015.

I was driving down High Street, windows down, on my way to the Hozier concert at the LC when my phone rang through my car. It was my aunt and immediately my heart sank. She would never call me unless something was wrong, so I answered.

“Katie,”

“what’s wrong?”

And that was it. That was when she told me, my mom had passed away. My mom struggled with Lupus for the past 10+ years, but she was only 46. She had a brain aneurysm in her sleep, so it was sudden. The idea of her passing had obviously crossed my mind once or twice, but I could have never imagined the feeling I had in that moment.

My mom and I had an unconventional relationship. When I turned 12 my aunt became my guardian as my mom struggled with addiction, and for a long time I had a hard time dealing with it in a mature way because I was too young to understand. We had periods of time when we didn’t speak for months out of anger and spite, and for that I have now learned to never hold a grudge. Through it all my mom is my mom, and despite our differences losing her was just as hard.

I didn’t cry immediately, and my roommate sitting next to me was at a loss for words as I was. I stayed calm, turned the car around and went to pack. The first time I said it out loud was when I lost it.

I live about two hours from my hometown, and that ride back consisted of listening to all of my mom’s favorite classic rock songs and reminiscing about times I had thought I forgot. For the next two weeks my brother and I spent every moment together. He is older than I am, and was a lot closer with my mom than I was, so I tried to channel my energy into making him laugh. There were some rough times, though.

In my family we tend to laugh when we are sad and push feelings under the rug. The last time I had seen my mom was six months prior, at Christmas, and before that I couldn’t even tell you how long. It started to become more and more real with little things. I remember sitting at the funeral home and the director asking me and my brother about planning. All I could think was I am way too young to be planning this. I shouldn’t be planning my mom’s funeral in college, it’s just not right.

Looking through pictures with family and just talking about her helped. I learned a million things about her that I didn’t know before, and things that made me so proud to be her daughter. She was a complete rockstar and never judged a soul and was constantly trying to make everyone laugh. My brother said “If I can inspire even a fraction of laughs she did I would consider my life a success”, and that is so true.

I had to decide how to show my respect for her, and so I chose to write the eulogy. It was obviously one of the most difficult things I had ever had to do, but there was also not a dry eye in the place once I was finished. For that, I know she would have been proud. 

Coming back to Columbus after those few weeks was difficult to say the least. I tried to go back to work right away, but I soon realized that wasn’t possible. The most difficult part though was going back to school. There are days when I have no control over how much I miss her and how sad I get, and they come out of nowhere. There were days when I would wake up for class and just literally could not get myself to get up and go. I wanted to be alone and sleep, but I also knew I had to go to class and do well.

A lot of people told me to take a semester off and move home, but I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. What helped me move through it was knowing how proud she was I was in school and aspiring to do what I love, and I knew she would want me to power through and graduate on time. I do recommend taking time off though, I know I probably should have.

I still have hard days, the worst days sometimes. But, I have dealt by letting my professors know what happened. Maybe not in detail, but I do let them know some days I won’t be as participating as normal, and some days I won’t be able to bring myself to class. Most are understanding, but I have had a professor tell me if I was planning on missing more than the given number of days I should just drop it.

Losing a parent in college is heart-wrenching. You are constantly thinking about if they are still proud and if they can hear you when you say you miss them and love them. I think about graduation coming up and how my mom should be there. It is something I would never wish upon even my worst enemy. I struggle to find the time to work and go to school already, let alone trying to work through how much I miss her.

Sometimes I feel like I didn’t give myself enough time to cope and I still don’t quite believe she is gone. But for anyone who has gone through this or is going through it, I want you to know I understand. This sucks, but never hesitate to take a step back and take a day off.

At times I’ve felt I talk about her too much and my friends get annoyed. Other times I realize how difficult it is to hear people around me talking about their parents and sometimes they don’t realize how lucky they are to still have them.

I miss her more every day and I will always be left with a hollow feeling in my heart. I just know she is proud and she will always be there. I try to carry on her amazing sense of humor and her passion for nature and exploring and for that I can never repay her.

Love you always Mom.