How to make money at NYU without walking dogs or working at Palladium

Just don’t tell your mom

So you go to NYU, the coolest school in the concrete jungle where dreams are dashed and churned into sparkles on the pavement, where you pay $70k to become stressed and harried and $19 for a bowl of ramen to shine some light into your miserable life.

If you’re neither a trust fund kid nor a millionaire heiress, then you really have no business attending a school where you can’t afford the tuition. But if you insist upon being here and sullying our perfect pool of “international students who wear only Acne and YSL,” here’s how to do it, on a sliding scale of dumbest to biggest pain-in-the-ass.

Get hit by a car

Every NYU student crosses the street while secretly praying to get hit by a car preferably driven by a super rich person because what a better way to make a shit ton of money than to sue someone else? At best, you’ll break your non-writing arm and be back to class in no time, many thousands richer. At worst you’ll die… but you know, money. Go for Broadway and 14th street, it’s always crowded and hectic.

Write a desperate letter to Lady Gaga

She went to Tisch for a year and has hopefully retained a soft spot for drama students aka struggling artists flitting around Lower East Side on Tuesdays in search of open mic nights. Also her net worth is $275 million (NBD), so four years of your $70k tuition would decrease her savings by a mere 0.00102 percent. A literal blip.

Kidnap Alec Baldwin’s dogs

Alec Baldwin lives across the street from Brittany Hall and walks his adorable dogs practically every morning. So hang out on the corner of University and 10th. Wait for Alec Baldwin to appear with dogs in tow. Follow him. Kidnap the dogs. Make his Seamless guy deliver an encrypted ransom message with your Venmo id. For a more immediate response, include a photo of his pets eating non-organic, Duane Reade brand dog food.

Be a food fetish web cam model

It’s 2017. You can make thousands of dollars simply by sitting in front of your computer camera and eating bevies of food that people send you for free. Your parents will be so proud.

Become a sugar baby

You are a smart 20-something year old living in New York City; the wealthiest older men and women in the world are at your disposal. Average compensation runs around $400 for a dinner date, or $2500 and above for monthly allowance. So sign up online, upload some sexy photos, go to fancy restaurants, buy Prada bags and re-sell them, and graduate college debt-free.

Sell your hair

If you have a good ten or more inches of beautiful hair, preferably virgin a.k.a. non-dyed, you can sell it online for around $200, up to $2500. Then once you’re bald, you’ll save money on hair products and have more time to sleep in every day. Chop chop.

Sell your dirty underwear online

Rummage through the five for $27 bin at Victoria’s Secret, wear some lacey underwear to your next SoulCycle class, and sell it online. You can try selling them on a special used-panty website, or just go for Ebay, Amazon, Reddit. Depop.

Become a surrogate mother

This is a bit more tricky and definitely less fun, because no alcohol, cigarettes, weed, cocaine, etc. But once you’ve made it through the application process, you can make anywhere between $35,000-$53,000 for the nine month process. Bonus points: become a surrogate mom and then find a rich sugar daddy with a pregnancy fetish. Cha-ching.

Sell your eggs or sperm

Similar to becoming a surrogate mother, this process is more tedious and time consuming, but the payoff is big. For girls, a “completed egg donation” will earn you an average of $8,000 and up to $14,000 depending on your egg qualifications. For guys, the check isn’t as massive, but you can make a healthy $1500 per month after your semen quality has been properly assessed. Not bad.