South dining hall to close and become an issued-gear warehouse
There’s just too much gear to store
It was announced this morning that South Dining Hall, Notre Dame students’ dining hall of choice, will be closing its creaky, wooden doors for good. At the end of the Spring 2016 semester it will be permanently converted into a storage space for the excess of athlete issued gear on campus.
This decision comes on the heels of the most recent Spring order of Notre Dame apparel and accessories which our beloved D1 athletes are required by duLac to wear around campus at all times.
“There’s just too much,” said a spokesperson for the athletics department who wishes to remain nameless.
The spokesperson added: “I understand that our athletes wear clothes with our name and logo to proudly represent this fine university and its outstanding Division 1 program across virtually all sports, but once we implemented the different-sweatshirt-for-each-day-of-the-week policy for the Men’s Fencing and Women’s Swim teams, I knew we would have to do some rearranging of inventory.”
And the abundance of regalia has not gone unnoticed by athletes, either.
“I haven’t purchased clothing since I was recruited to come here in 2008 — I haven’t needed to — and it was really beginning to impact my social life,” reminisces former Notre Dame swimmer, Elizabeth House.
She added: “My friends would ask me if I wanted to go to the mall with them, and I would always have to decline, for fear of being tempted to buy something devoid of the large ND letters or a leprechaun.
“I was sick of being embarrassed. So I did what any mature collegiate athlete would do, and I quit the swim team.”
Karley Wester
Softball player Karley Wester said: “All I know is that softball doesn’t have a different-sweatshirt-for-each-day-of-the-week policy, so this one isn’t on us.
“I’m not sure why everyone else is getting all this extra gear – but I do like North better anyway, so contrary to popular belief, I’m cool with the shut down of South.”
Non-athletes are outraged that their preferred dining hall is being taken away from them at the expense of some clothes, the implications of which are that North Dining Hall will now be the only dining hall responsible for feeding Notre Dame’s 14,000+ undergraduate and graduate students as well as faculty and staff.
“Does this mean I have to eat at North now?” asked disheartened Morrissey resident Andrew Dorritie.
Check the date.