I went undercover as a high schooler for a campus tour of UMich

I was sitting outside the Fishbowl, eating a free donut from some student org when a tour group walked by. The tour guide began explaining printing pages, saying that “students in LSA don’t get unlimited printing, but they do get enough to last through the semester.” I nearly choked on my free donut. You’re lucky if it lasts you halfway through the semester. What kind of lies are they feeding these children?

So, I decided to investigate. By pretending to be a high schooler and going on a campus tour. For journalism.

I woke up the morning of my tour with a zit on the bridge of my nose. My body was more than willing to help me look the part of high school student. I was freaking out (and not about the small planet on my face). What if someone recognizes me and calls me out? What if I know the tour guide? What if I blow my cover? Can I get in trouble for this? What if they don’t like me? What if I look like a dweeb? What do I wear?

I was only able to control the last one so I focused on that. I wanted to look cool so I’d fit in, both because I yearned for the approval of these basically-still-children, and so no one would discover my secret. My first attempt at dressing undercover was a bust.

My Patagonia (or Patagucci / Fratagonia) was so college — has Patagonia even hit the high school scene? And the hat would either make me seem like a UMich student (which I am) or worse, a try hard  (which I’m not, I hope). I changed into something I had worn at one point in high school, hoping no one could sense how much effort went into it.

I went to my first two classes and then skipped the last one (#college) to go on my tour. I walked into the Student Activities Building with all the anxiety of a high schooler on a college tour. Four years of high school theater and being awkward had prepared me for this. I shuffled up to the front desk. I told the lady I was here for the tour.

“All by yourself?” she asked as high schoolers walked past with all their parents. Damn, I forgot parents went on these things (it also made me miss mine). “Yeah, I’m from around here. Just checking it out formally.” Nice cover Olive. She’ll never know you’re actually from the other side of the state and a freshman in college.

The lady did not care, handed me a packet, and sent me on my way.

I sat down in a room full of practically-infants and their parents. The lights dimmed and the presentation began. They showed a hype video — but not the James Earl Jones one from the football games — talked about how cool we are, and explained how to fill out the Common App. It was an hour long throwback to those not-so-good old days.

We walked out of the presentation and began the walking tour. The first thing I did was drop my phone and completely shatter the screen. This obviously distracted me and I ended up missing some of what our tour guide said, including the ice breaker questions. I answered “name, where you’re from, what you plan on studying, and favorite ice cream flavor” with “Olive, I’m a junior from Saline (that’s around here right?), and what was the last one?” Smooth.

We walked around campus for an hour and a half, learning things and seeing the sights. With the exception of the one lady and her daughter, I didn’t blow my cover to anyone. I think I got low-key hit on by a future frat star in a Canada Goose jacket who I dubbed Canada Gosling, but overall it was a successful tour, filled with both bald-faces lies and actual nuggets of truth about Umich — here are the best ones.

Lies

“You will have enough printing pages.” HAHAHAHAHAHA.

“North is just over the river and through the woods.” What a cute way to talk about the place a large percentage of students have never made the trek to visit.

“Being on North isn’t that bad because the buses run every 5-10 minutes.” There will either be a bus every 30 seconds or one bus every blue moon. No in between.

“You can take the city buses.” Yes, but only if you are majoring in bus studies. Leaders and best and I still can’t figure out the city buses.

“Nursing is not Grey’s Anatomy.” This may be true, but don’t tell the nursing students.

“Squad is one of the top dining halls in the country.” Top dining hall for no forks and Norovirus.

“Number 2 city for going on dates.” LOL see my previous article.

Also there was a stunning lack of discussion of the shining star of our university, Jim Harbaugh. The lack of Jim Harbaugh talk was a lie about how much we love Jimmy.

Truths

“We are the 6th happiest city.” Yeah, because ‘Who’s got it better than us?’

“Academically excellent.” We’re a bunch of nerds and it shows. We’re also really cool. University of Michigan: a place full of really cool nerds.

“Ranked number 19 worldwide.” But number 1 in my heart.

“One cool thing about U of M is the therapy dogs around midterms and finals.” Yes, dogs are good. More dogs, please.

“A lot of our programs are highly ranked.” We da best.

“The UGLi is open 24 hours and you probably will be up until 2am doing homework.” Or later. Work hard, play hard.

“James Earl Jones and the founder of Google are among some of our alumi.” And Madonna, and Gerald R. Ford, and Arthur Miller, and Tom Brady, and a bunch of other really cool people who have done really cool things.

“It’s great to be a Michigan Wolverine.” *sobs*

What I learned

I am as awkward as I was in high school. But here, it doesn’t really matter. U of M isn’t just a place full of smart people. It’s a place full of hard workers, of dreamers, of kinda awkward but really passionate people; it’s home to the leaders and best. I love Michigan and I hope the rest of the prospective students did too. I don’t know about them, but I know I’m going to Go Blue.