Let’s face it – the new East Slope keycards are a joke

The development of new East Slope has been hugely anticipated across Sussex campus this year. Hopes and dreams of beautiful, luxury halls have spread across campus with spacious rooms, double beds, and communal areas perfect for parties.

However, our Utopian dreams of new East Slope have been shattered. A terrible design fault across the new accommodation is wreaking havoc amongst the residents. Introducing, the infamous East Slope keycard.

The Premier Inn hotel vibes of this keycard aren't quite as premier as we all hoped. Here's a definitive list of everything that is wrong with them.

We're constantly locked out

Classic

Although it's reassuring to know the heavy fire doors might save us all from a fire, should you step outside of said door without key card in hand, you're fucked.

With no window to climb through, no lock to pick or a friend's key to borrow, without your key card you are deprived of all of your prize possessions. This results in one thing and one thing only, the new East Slope walk of shame – as you sheepishly make your way to reception to get a member of staff to let you back in. How embarrassing.

The keycards themselves are completely unidentifiable

Take a look at this key card. Is it a keycard or a piece of paper? Who knows?

Very distinctive

Therefore, they are impossible to find

Now, place your key card among your abundance of other cards you really don't need.

Now, imagine this, you're desperate for a piss, you're drunk and it's 4am. Can you find your key card amongst all your other cards? Not for shit.

Once you're finally in, you chuck your key card down on the table so you can recover from the stress of searching for it. Next thing you know, your key card is just one of many in a pile on the kitchen table. Have fun sifting through all those.

They bring a whole new meaning to naked and afraid

This is Fergus, a poor victim of the shared shower key card combination

Keycard less and clothes less, could you be more vulnerable?

A shared bathroom and a key card are a dangerous combination, with no greater devastation than coming out the shower and realising you've forgotten your key card, RIP. Left to only your own devices and a towel, it's time to face the music and phone a friend to go down to reception.

They break, 24/7

A shrine dedicated to a fallen key card, RIP

Even with the best intentions of caring for your key card, disaster can still strike.

Coming in at a close second place of the top sinking feelings in East Slope is the sickening sound of of your card snapping in your back pocket.

Not only are you now locked out and have to go to reception, you need to wait for a new key to be given to you which needs to be programmed to your door. Not ideal in the slightest.

Even with the best intentions in the world of always keeping your key card on you, being able to proudly say you've never been locked out, disaster can still strike.

Coming in a close second place of the list of the 'top sinking feelings in East Slope' is the sickening sound of the snap of your card in your back pocket as you sit down.

Not only are you now locked out and have to go to reception, you need to wait for a new key to be given to you that needs to be programmed to your door. Not ideal in the slightest.

A special shout out to my very own key card that snapped, not in just two, but three pieces, whilst I was writing this very article. Ironic or what.

So whilst you Northfield residents may be jealous of our double beds and large communal areas, just remember, you don't know the struggles we face every single day.