Here’s Jeremy Bentham’s Christmas 2018 wish list

All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth – oh!and my head…

Christmas is almost upon us, and if you're anything like me, you're probably doing last minute Christmas shopping and desperately trying to think of gift ideas other than the obligatory pair of hideous socks you have to buy for your Dad.

Every year my Christmas shopping list seems to get longer as more and more people try and recapture the lost innocence of their youth by doing endless rounds of secret Santa: flatmates, friends from school, friends from uni, course mates, people in that society you sort of joined… the list goes on.

However, there is one person who we have all left off our gift-giving list: Jeremy Bentham!

Jezza's creepy, yet weirdly comforting presence is a huge part of day-to-day UCL life.

He benevolently watches as you make endless trips to and from the library, and he never judges you if you actually only spend 20 minutes in the library before admitting defeat and going to the Print Room.

Jeremy is about the only thing that makes UCL cool, so The London Tab felt that we should share some Christmas joy with Jeremy – despite the fact he didn't believe in Christmas – and get him some presents. If you'd care to join us, this is what he'd like:

1. A new pair of pants

We learned this year when Jeremy went on his New York adventure (for someone who is dead he sure does get around a lot) that he is still wearing the original underwear from when he was last alive. That means his underwear is almost 200 years old! So it might be time for a wardrobe update.

2. A subscription to Netflix

It must get boring spending all day in a box watching stressed out students hurry past you; poor Jeremy needs something to do. Binge-watching Breaking Bad seems like the perfect way to pass the time.

3. A waist Trainer and Skinny Me tea

Now if Jeremy has kept up with the Kardashians – which I am sure he has considering he spends all day listening to 20 somethings as they walk by – he's probably dying to get his hands on these two products. After all doing exercise in a box is a little tricky and a waist trainer would be the perfect thing for fixing the flab rolls caused by more than 100 years of sitting down.

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He's getting in the Christmas spirit already!

4. A bedazzler

Now if I was Jeremy I wold have gotten bored of wearing the same old clothes day in and day out. The solution: give him a bedazzler so he can glam things up a bit. What doesn't look better with sparkles?

5. Subscription to the Economist

So he can keep up with current affairs and maybe save us from Brexit. One can only dream.

6. Master control to the Eduroam router

It only seems fair that as our spiritual founder, Jezza can have control of Eduroam. What better way to liven up his long days than by causing mass chaos by turning the internet on and off?

…Actually maybe he already has control over it.

7. A Sports Night queue jump card

If he can make it to New York he can make it to Sports Night.

8. His Head

Is it really too much to ask that for Christmas Jeremy gets his head back?

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9. Korean Face Mask

Assuming that Jeremy gets number 8 on the wish list, this will do him well. After all, his skin is looking a bit… dry? But that's nothing some Korean face masks can't fix! I am sure snail extract will have Jeremy looking less zombie like in no time…

10. Kylie's lip kit

Once Jeremy's head is looking wrinkle free he will naturally want to complete his makeover by creating the illusion that he still has lips. I have faith that he has some serious contouring skills.

There you have it ten things to buy Jeremy Bentham for Christmas. You no longer have any excuse for leaving him off your Christmas shopping list!