The best places to mourn for America on campus

2016 has been one colossal fuck up after another. Severus Snape, Bowie, Prince, Brexit – I could go on.  And this, this, the monstrosity that occurred in the USA on Tuesday night, is the latest in a long line of ‘what the fucks’ has everyone a bit shook. In fact, it’s basically the final straw: life as we know it cannot go on. Sometimes you just want to curl up in  a ball on campus and weep for the world. We’ve scouted out the best places on campus to clasp your hands and pray for the big ol’ U S of A.

The ‘Obama’ collection in the SJ

Remember when people actually liked the person they were voting for? When the candidate that won seemed like a half decent human being? Go to the first floor of the SJ to immerse yourself in books on Obama. Stroke the books, fondle them – remember the good old times of 2008 and try and perk yourself up with shouts of ‘Fired up? Ready to Go’.

Go and find Dr Cheryl Hudson

Dr Cheryl is a university teacher in American history. She was at the Guild when shit hit the fan. She knows the pain we feel. Ask her to comfort you in this time of need. See if she can explain to you why the American voting system means that despite losing the popular vote, Trump still won the presidency. Hope she gives you a hug and a mug of filter coffee.

The 9th Floor of the Roxby Building

By going to one of the tallest buildings on campus, you can imagine you’re in an American skyscraper, giving yourself a greater sense of closeness to our friends across the pond. If the profoundly calming view doesn’t make you feel better, at least the vertigo will distract you from the overwhelming sense of rage and sadness. You might even be able to see New York if you strain your eyes  over the Welsh hills.

Drown your sorrows in a bottle of beer

The epitome of American culture: drink a bud until you’re too drunk to think about the terrifying future.

Drown your sorrows in fast food

If drinking isn’t your thing, you can get that taste of Americana by dragging yourself down Mount Pleasant and eating your feelings. The obvious place to go is McDonalds – that empty shell of American neo-liberal capitalism, that will slowly suck away at your soul.  Sure, the initial excitement leading up to the burger will make you feel better, but the actual result will leave you feeling empty inside.

Return to the Guild and pretend Tuesday never happened

Find your Hillary mask, find a pint and recreate Tuesday night by having an all-night binge in the Courtyard. If you don’t accept the result, then the election never happened. Recreate a real USA feel by throwing some chairs around and protesting. Maybe set fire to the bins and smash Sean Turners doors in. The end is nigh, after all.