How to make a girl fall in love with you in Leeds

The academic year is coming to a close, and a summer romance is about as likely as Theresa May admitting that she possibly shouldn’t have been so adamant that she wasn’t going to call a snap election. So upon your return to Leeds in September, you’ve got to really step up your game if you don’t want to spend your nights alone for another year running. That’s why I’ve written this foolproof, step-by-step guide on wooing one lucky Leeds lass.

Step one: acquire some wavey garms

There is no chance a Leeds girl is going to remotely look your way if you’re not in your freshest vintage garms, that’s a given. If you’ve got a bit more time and a bit less money, a charity shop in Headingley will sort you right out, but while you’re wasting your time trawling through endless XXXL t-shirts and old fraying knitwear, someone donning the textbook FILA fleece has already stolen your girl. And we can’t be having that now, can we? So whip yourself down to a Vintage Sale or Blue Rinse and grab yourself something sufficiently edgy.

Step two: explore the smoking area of Canal Mills

The beloved Canal Mills, where else are you going to find yourself the Leeds love-of-your-life? Keeping your can of Red Stripe firmly out in front of you, survey the area. Ignore the first ten options, they’re inevitably out of your league (I’m sorry but you are reading this article so you’re obviously no stunner), and start chatting. You’re gonna get repeatedly pied at this point but persist, it might take a while but not everyone in that smoking area is going to shudder completely at the thought of having their tongue down your throat. Find that person. Get their number. Move on to step three.

Step three: take her to see the creme de la creme of Leeds

No, not The Alchemist or Carluccio’s. The real shining beacon in Leeds: the one and only Crispy’s. Cos real dates are old fashioned, creepy, and ultimately a huge turn off. So calm down and take her on a hot date to Crispy’s at the end of your night. Don’t ask her what she wants, it’s well known that it’s more seductive if you order for her, so “two cheesy chips with gravy please” is your ticket in. If she’s not falling for you slightly by this point then I really don’t know what to suggest, maybe buy her a can of Coke to show her your real gentlemanly side?

Step four: ignore her

It’s a classic. Nobody who wants to be in a relationship wants to feel like they’re being appreciated. Seeing as the person they settled for in the Canal Mills smoking area was you, they’re probably quite unlikely to realise their self worth and start looking for someone else. Notice how you never gave them your number? They can’t even call you. You’ve disappeared without a trace. Perfect! Give it a solid three weeks (or just two if you’ve been going through a dry spell) before giving her a text. She’ll have been waiting and waiting, and have pretty much fallen head over heels in love with you in your absence. You’ve nailed it.

Step five: you inevitably fuck up

Well step four didn’t work, you fucked it up, she is already moving on to better things. But have no fear. You unavoidably would have fucked up at some point along the first few weeks of contact so it’s brilliant that you got it out of the way! Well done you! Text her over and over telling her how sorry you are and how you can change and how she really caught your eye in the club and how cute it was when you saw the gravy dribble down her chin. She’s the one. Maybe you can make it up to her? Of course you can, you can make it up to her alright, with about 10 Greggs in the city centre you’re spoilt for choice.

Completion

A steak bake and a mediocre shag later, I guarantee you that she’s yours. Common interests, readiness for a committed relationship, and genuine compatibility are embarrassing myths best left in the 20th century. This is 2017, the world has changed a bit, I assure you.