How to get a girlfriend

Even if you’re ginger

So, you’re at Glasgow Uni and you decide you need to get yourself a significant other for mating season and to keep you warm through the cold Glaswegian nights? Look no further – here are some easy, completely legitimate and totally reliable steps to girlfriend-zone.

Step one

Be attractive.

Not really – you guys have it easy. If this applies to you, good for you, thanks for clicking – go back about your business. If not, (and I’m talking to you gingers especially), don’t fret: there’s plenty more steps you can take to come off as creepy and make a complete fool of yourself.

Step two

Talk to as many girls as possible.

Statistically you’ll eventually find someone whose standards are low enough to go out with you. It could be in lectures, seminars, clubs and societies or just around campus. Whether it’s at GUST or Jim’s Bar, no matter how long it takes, in Glasgow you’ll find someone drunk or depressed enough to stick their tongue down your throat. You can even try hitting the night life like all the other lonely creeps.

Where love happens

Step three

Get to know someone.

So, you’ve found a potential catch – now you need to reel her in. The best way to go about this is find out what you have in common. Of course, that doesn’t mean patching your lectures in Boyd Orr to follow them about all day. This is the twenty-first century – just stalk them online in the back of your classes or stay at Beer Bar all day hoping they show up.

Just avoid accidentally liking the picture they put up on Facebook when they were twelve.

Oops

Step four

Avoid being creepy… unless she’s into that.

If you’re of a ginger disposition, just skip to the next point – there’s no hope for you here. For all you regular weirdos, this is the point where most of you will trip up. It could just be nerves or social anxieties but you don’t want to come across as lonely, awkward, paranoid, hate-filled or sex-starved. I’d say just be yourself but that’s exactly what I’m telling you to avoid.

Step five

Pretend to like stuff she likes.

Key word – pretend. You can find things for yourself but puppies and babies are sure bets here. If you don’t have one of your own, I’d recommend kidnapping one from a relative or neighbour (generally, the penalties are much higher for kidnapping a baby though). You need photographic evidence to show how “cute” these things are. It makes you come across as more sincere and interesting as a human being. You might even trick her into thinking you’re interested in more than just sex.

Now, you don’t have to keep them – you could even make some ransom money while you’re at it. Just give them back after a while and then say to your lady-friend that the poor thing died or something – that’ll score you some sympathy points. Some people would call that emotional manipulation but I just call it manipulation.

An example of what a baby might look like

An example of what a baby might look like

Step five

You fucked up. Obviously.

Don’t worry, don’t worry – there’s still something to be done. Your only resort now is to kidnap her, lock her in your attic and hope she develops Stockholm syndrome. You might even be able to take her out every once in a while for a romantic date, to the Cineworld on Renfrew Street or to the canal where you dumped the last one that tried to run away.

Step six

That’s right – get her burger at one of many Glasgow burger joints.

Bread Meats Bread is a sure-fire choice for the West End, and there’s one in town too. There’s also Burger Meats Bun, BRGR, Giraffe and classic Maccie D’s for low budgets. Burgers are the way to a girl’s heart.

Just look at that burger-y goodness

Step seven – instant girlfriend!

If you follow these easy steps, you’ll find getting a student girlfriend in Glasgow no problem at all. Now, if you’d lik – PLEASE HELP ME, HE’S GOT ME TRAPPED HERE – sorry, my keyboard does that sometimes. Email me if you know how to fix it; I’ll have to come round to you though. I’m getting my attic soundproofed at the moment.

Oh, yes. For the sake of inclusion, here’s an extensive guide of how to get a boyfriend at university:

Step one

Show the slightest bit of attention in them at all.

And that’s it – follow those steps to get the man of your dreams. (If he’s ginger you might want to get your brain checked – I think there’s a tumour where your standards used to be).

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University of Glasgow