Lemmy Saturdays

Resisted the temptation to make a penis joke

A strong contender for the worst night out. Frankly, the failure of The Sunday Times University of the Year to provide adequate Saturday night entertainment is just not okay.

The common excuse given is that “it’s okay if you’re fucked.” and it seems to me like we’ve been socially conditioned to accept the laziness of whoever runs the Lemmy. The drinks are way more expensive than they should be as well. The prices should cover costs and not try to fleece us students.

The final straw for me is that the DJ plays Buck Rogers, in 2013, in a student club. We get it, it’s got fucking ‘Devon’ in it. No one fucking cares. The shit DJ and overpriced drinks limit this night to a 3/10.

Cheesy Tuesdays

First of all, it’s in Arena, which as far as I can tell has absolutely no redeeming features whatsoever. It looks shit, smells awful and, on top of that, the lack of a smoking area means you’re left standing on the streets, exposed to the elements, like some sort of local.

Worst of all, though, the music is just awful. Not even on a subjective level, everything played is absolute shit, like the DJ found ‘NOW 22‘ and decided to play the worst songs he could find. The usual ‘floor-filler’ is the Macarena.

For me, watching a man, supposedly in the prime of his life, doing this degrading dance is terribly sad. There’s a look in his eye that suggests he’s aware his life hasn’t turned out the way he hoped. The combination of music, the place, and the atmosphere means this night gets a solid, with one point awarded for the fact it’s near to Subway: 1/10. 

 Wednesday Timepiece

Put the ties down. Step away from the ledge

Normally, I’m a fan of Timepiece. Top Top plays some decent music, and the outside seating area is ace. However, Timepiece Wednesday’s place on the list is purely a factor of the demographic it brings into the club.

Rugby boys cop too much flak for the ridiculous dick measuring that goes on up on Top Top. (Frankly, they’re all too busy being dead or doing something homoerotic to cause much trouble.) It’s normally full of lacrosse wankers over-compensating for playing a shit sport, trying to impress some mildly attractive Birks girl with FRESH written on her face.

This sort of situation results in unnecessary shoving and posturing and, although a fight always threatens to break out, one rarely does – which is really kind of boring.  However, there is usually some fun to be had – although for some reason I don’t get why everyone says it’s really easy to pull? 5/10.

Dirty Sexy People

The ladies love a Tab man

The name of this night always make me chuckle. It is really applicable to a half-empty, smelly club off Sidwell Street? Although the music is definitely better than that shit they play on a Tuesday, Mondays at Arena are even worse overall.

At least Cheesy Tuesdays provides a distinctive service to a certain time of person that loves doing the Macarena, but I’m not really sure what ‘Dirty Sexy People’ actually does? Every single person I have asked – all three of them, in fact – said its just a “standard night,” and I think therein lies the issue.

Someone has just decided that they’ll rent a club on a Monday night, compose a mildly eroticised title, and bring in a half-decent DJ. Absolutely no thought has gone into it whatsoever, I reckon. It seems to be full of people who didn’t get Holland as their first choice and ended up in some random hall and play something weird like rugby league or American football.

These sort of people will defend the night staunchly. Deep down, however, they’d be at Mosaic if they knew someone. I just find it depressing standing in a half-empty, foul-smelling club in a completely vacuous, sterile and artificial environment, organised purely for a quick profit. Scratch a little beneath the surface, and its a clear 0/10.

Monday Mosaic

Throwin’ up Surrey gang signs

I was going to be vaguely positive about this and, up until the introduction of ‘Dope Mondays,’ I would have been. I am in fact quite partial to some Hip-Hop, seeing that I’m straight outta Guildford, but I can’t look past this description:

“Now when we say old school, we mean fresh treads, fresh kicks, and fresh chicks. Don your snapbacks, beanies, bling and bandanas for some hipping and hopping ’til the early hours.”

No one really reads the event descriptions anyway, and this might be a delightful satirical take on this fact – but I highly doubt it. Despite the fact that the DJ isn’t that shit, the prices are okay, and if you know people (too right I do) you can pretty much walk straight on up. Overall assessment 5/10 – or just fairly dope.

Dirty Beats

Fucking loose, loads of birds, and loads of great chat. Fucking love Dirty Beat, mate.

Ideal for BNOCS, just walk straight upstairs, grab a crate of VKs, get rowdy with the lads, and wait for Alex Matthews’s sax to arouse the ladies so we can then inform them your chat is as great as your rig.

Quite honestly, there’s absolutely nothing to dislike about this place, and the fact that ‘Boozy lacrosse lads’ tend not to frequent it make it even better. Fucking 10/10.

DISCLAIMER: We didn’t include any nights from Cellar Door, because they’re all fucking banging.