The Ultimate Guide to Succeeding at Freshers’ Week

The Tab presents SUE DENIM’S Presumably-Official Guide to Fresherdom!

Drinking Freshers henry jokes satire week

Freshers. Feeling fresh? Displaced? Out of your comfort zone? Looking for instructions to stop the relentless anxiety of responsibility that comes with choosing your own actions?

Look no further.

Read your reading list!! For the beginning of your first year, it is ESSENTIAL to know this list back-to-front. Being able to quote the listed titles to your supervisor is the only way to guarantee good cover.

Don’t burn any bridges! (figuratively) – Noone makes a good first impression, so make sure not to shut yourself from anyone who may become a future friend or anonymous essay source.

Watch Orange is the New Black and Jersey Shore (or The Cement Garden) for great introductory lessons in communal living.

Burn every bridge in the city literally and achieve immediate notoriety.

You’ll be sure to get a glance from that girl in the jumpsuit in your medieval lectures, when you’re plastered all over the front page of the local paper that everyone reads.

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Girls love fire

Dress to impress – Your first day at university is a chance to reinvent yourself. So dig up that old Facebook profile your too-cool friend left behind, and steal their identity for maximum self-improvement.

Print to imprint – Want to stand out? Hand out copies of your CV at the fresher’s meet-and-greet in your college.

They’re sure to be impressed by your previous accomplishments, whether you were president of a one-member school society or founder of that new magazine read by everyone in your immediate bloodline.

Get with someone – If you’re wondering what exactly you and someone else ought to ‘get’, you’re already in the mindset of Cambridge intellectualism.

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A ‘get’? Or not a ‘get’?

Decorate – Not planning ahead with suitable posters, photos, and memorabilia is a common error when starting here.

Unless you’re in the right corner of Fez at the right time, college accommodation is going to be your ‘naughty spot’.

Accurate diagrams of male/female genitalia on the walls will convince anyone lured back your room that you know exactly what you’re doing.

Switch subjects to something hip, like something at another university.

You can do this, it’s not too late for you.

Full of cool people

Bristol will take you

Be outgoing – Noone likes a stick in the mud. The university will let you get away with murder in your first week or so, so be sure to commit murder.

You can be less outgoing than that, but still somewhat outgoing – If manslaughter isn’t your thing, just make an effort to join in with the fun, the initiations, the dares and drink.

Also, the whole ‘I thought you were a student’ line will only seduce professors in your first term before you’ve got to know them properly. Usually.

Only hit the right clubs! When you’re new to the city, it’s easy to end up having a crap night amongst a bunch of wet lefties.

Check out the list of political societies online before you try to have any fun.

Now go out and DENIM-strate your newfound SUE-cial know-how!

SUE DENIM is a fictional creation, first appearing in a series of unintelligible markings on the side of a cave in Damascus. Since then, she has inspired poets, bards and satirists all over the globe; descended as a heavenly muse; seen wars fought in her name; and made one guy once laugh at something he misunderstood her to have said.

She accepts no responsibility for any actions undertaken under the influence of this article, or narcotics.