How To Get Over Homesickness

Let CHARLIE DOWELL turn you from homesick to SICK!

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Week five is almost upon us – I can feel it breathing in my ear as I type, but that might just be a draught or maybe Marcus my room mate, who has yet to come to grips with personal space. The days are getting shorter, home seems further away and those late night calls to mum just don’t cut it anymore. Never fear, help is at hand. Just peruse this Tab guide and you’ll feel as happy as you would after a Sunday swim.

As if this dog is missing home at all

If I’m being honest, (NB: I am!), homesickness is born from being wet. Man up and towel yourself dry. It’s only been four and a bit weeks. Think of space men, soviet gulag inmates, Bilbo Baggins; they all admirably dealt with being away from home for an extended period of time. You have a lot of work but you don’t live in an air tight container or an armed frozen complex or have to put up with constantly speaking in riddles. In the immortal words of Beyonce: All the women who are independent /Throw your hands up at me /All the honeys who makin’ money/Throw your hands up at me. And if you can’t see the relevance of that then I think maybe it is time to go home after all.

Beyonce when you told her you were homesick

As this tactic is easier said than done, some alternative procedures may be in order. The one I tend to lean towards is distraction: if you’re not thinking of home then you’re not homesick. Recently I’ve got really into playing backgammon  – Reader, I haven’t thought of home since. You should do the same. Take up a board game/sport/agenda and you’ll feel as right as rain. Nothing will stop you from thinking of your own bed and mum’s apple crumble than getting a seven letter word in scrabble or getting punched.

The two fixes above are longer term choices. If the acute pain does not abate, then these quick morphine shot cures to the vein should help.

  1. Eat like you’ve just been released from PGL and get low with grub.  Ben and Jerry’s with Bridget Jones is the clichéd choice but I prefer a boiled egg with soldiers and Countryfile.

  2. Go out. Socialising whilst pissed is the best way to stave off home pangs. You may find someone you really like or hate – and then you can punch them! Why be homesick when you can be actually sick?!

  3. Get a mate round. You are bound to have friends on either gap years or who have a reading week at Uni (the wankers). Put them up for the night, get them down to the town, and maybe wrap them in your gown while they’re sleeping.

  4. Order something. There is no better feeling than walking into the plodge and knowing you have a parcel. You could order something online you wouldn’t normally get: a stuffed alligator or clogs are merely suggestions.

    The definition of sexy and practical

  5. Go home. The coward’s way out. To be used only as a last resort or if you really don’t know how to use a washing machine. Be warned, this quick fix may make you feel worse in the long run.

Hopefully by now you’ll have a better idea of how to stave of those home comfort cravings. It may not be easy finally having to grow up, but being homesick shouldn’t have to be a part of it. And if I sound like Maria from the Sound of Music, I make no apologies – she left the nunnery and she never looked back.