Coke in the ASS: We swabbed for cocaine around campus and here are the results

Bristol may well be known as the home of drugs but even I wasn't prepared to find traces of a Class A drug in the ASS library.

This week The Tab went around campus and swabbed for cocaine on desks, toilet roll holders and around sinks, using the same wipes employed by police and local authority licencing authorities.

With the slightest presence of coke causing the drug wipe to react and turn blue immediately, we tested the most popular student areas on campus and found positive results in half the areas we tested.

Looking blue-tiful

First up, the boys changing rooms in the gym. I had my suspicions that certain students might be supplementing their pre-workouts with something a little more powerful than just caffeine and creatine. Could coke explain some superhuman performances on the bench press? Turns out the healthy students on campus are staying away from the stuff, at least in their church of iron.

Next, the Arts and Social Sciences Library, universally known as the ASS. Are the philosophers supplementing their study (or sex eyes) sessions with some additional help beyond a Red Bull or four? Turns out, yes- with swabs from the toilet roll holders coming back positive. At least the desks were clean.

Pushing limits, not drugs

Next up the home of geologists and lawyers- Wills Memorial Building. Surely this revered site would come back clean? Turns out that earth sciences students are sniffing more than just gravel, with a clearly positive swab from one of the toilets. Even more surprisingly, there was a tiny little positive spot from a desk. Clearly tort isn't stimulation enough.

Beacon House was negative with students there apparently able to get through a study session without resorting to drug use.

The SU, however, was a totally different story. A faint but distinctly positive result from the male toilets shows that far more than mere CV-enhancing extra-curricular activities is going here.

Coke in Wills Memorial- what would Denning say?

Next it was time to pay a visit to halls, and where better than Wills? Cocaine is an expensive drug so surely if any student can afford it then it will be the students here. With the kind permission of an (anonymous) old quad resident, I swabbed his spacious room and received the fastest positive result of the day.

After Wills, a visit to Badock bar. In the shock of the day the results were revealed- negative! Perhaps the cleaning in the bar toilets is better or perhaps the hall stereotypes are just that- baseless stereotypes.

To complete my tests I did a trip to Senate House, home of beloved Vice Chancellor Hugh Brady and various other apparatchiks of university administration. Would we find traces of the drug at the very heart of UoB? Sadly not, with the toilets revealed to be squeaky clean in every sense.

Positive vibes evident here

Positive for cocaine

ASS Library, Wills Memorial, Wills Hall, Bristol SU

Negative for cocaine

Gym, Beacon House, Badock Hall, Senate House