The six people guaranteed to ruin every show you’ve ever loved
‘Wait, what happened?’
“Hey, should we watch something tonight?” – a phrase that clumsily gets thrown around the house group chat. Half-hearted commitments are made to sit down together post-lectures and watch a show.
But is this actually an enjoyable experience? Of course it isn’t. You should not watch shows you like with other people, because people are the worst and will categorically ruin your precious sofa experience.
These are the six culprits who will endeavour to make any viewing of your fave show a nightmare:
When this person sits down next to you on the sofa and asks, “what are you watching?” you know you’re in for trouble.
They’ll always join halfway through the series because they were “way too busy to commit to a show”. Their schedule must’ve cleared up, because as sure as the sun will rise, they’ll plonk themself on the sofa, incessantly asking, “who’s that?” “wait, what happened before?” and “why is he doing that?”
The Nitpicker will find a problem with everything:
“God the CGI is terrible, it doesn’t even look like a dragon.”
“This isn’t anywhere as good as last series.”
“The writing of this show is just awful, there is no way someone would use that sentence structure in 18th Century France.”
Even the snacks aren’t good enough – you’ve become numb to the fact they think that prawn cocktail is “categorically better than salt and vinegar” and have learnt that in order to live an easy, happy life, it’s easier to roll over and submit to their rogue chocolate choices.
They’ll judge you for streaming episode after episode of your favourite series, but will still sit and watch each and every one of them with you – of course, persisting with the uncalled for criticism.
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They. Won’t. Stop. Talking.
It’s almost as if they wait all day under an oath of silence, bottling every thought up until they reunite with you, on the sofa, for the sacred hour you’ve chosen to watch your favourite show.
The opening credits are the magical key that unhinge the Chatterbox’s jaw because all of a sudden, they’re telling you about everything – and I mean, everything – that happened to them that day.
Their lectures, their coursework, how they bickered with their mother, their bowel movements, what they want for dinner vs. what they’re probably going to eat for dinner – it never ends and you never care.
You’ll tell them to shut up shut up JUST SHUT UP, their shock allowing a wave of silence to wash over the living room. That will, of course, only last all of 43 seconds, before they launch into another conversation they’re ultimately having with themselves.
Bae will insist on ‘snuggling’ on the sofa, which, let’s be honest, on your crappy uni sofa, is more like an uncomfortable tangle of limbs.
Some of your biggest fights have revolved around watching an episode without them, because this series is your series, the series that you watch together. They’ll unleash a fury not even Dante’s Inferno could handle and you’ll learn it just wasn’t worth it.
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The social butterfly is rarely seen in the wild without their phone or laptop, live-tweeting every minuscule moment of whatever show they’re watching.
“Wait, what happened?” is the only phrase they know, their supposed innocence directly juxtaposed with the many times they’ve ruined the ending for you because they’ve seen a spoiler on social media.
“Can you believe they killed her off like that?”, will be dropped casually into conversation as you’re making a cup of tea. “Oh you haven’t seen it yet! Sorry, but it was all over Facebook, I thought everyone knew.”
The Ghost is just that – invisible. You’ll never find them on the sofa watching telly, especially not with you. Why? Because they’re in bed, streaming absolutely everything on their laptop.
“Why would I watch TV when I can stream everything on Netflix anyway?” they’ll ask you on the daily. You know full-well they’re still bitter about having to pay their share of the TV license they never use.
They’re the kind of person who will download episodes onto their phone to watch on the bus, in between lectures, and let’s face it, during them too.
They’ll smugly recommend shows they finished agesssssss ago, “I know you’ll love it so you absolutely have to watch it.”
You loved it didn’t you? You totally loved it.
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Illustrations by Bobby Palmer