Every type of housemate you’ll live with in Cardiff
Which one are you?
Getting through Freshers and into second year is worth celebrating for many reasons: you didn’t die from alcohol poisoning, you didn’t fail your exams and you can finally move into a house with your friends and put the horrors of Taly North behind you.
You’ve probably spent an agonising few weeks sitting in Hoffi Coffi figuring out who you want to live with, letting down those who didn’t make the cut gently and breathing a sigh of relief as those you chose also chose you. You’re finally free to have the house of your dreams.
But as Zygmunt Bauman once said: “Freedom is the illusion of an imprisoned mind.”
Human variety is also limited and you will therefore end up living with a combination of the same types of people as everyone else – it’s inevitable. Here’s a handy guide so you can spot them.
Whatever stereotype you are, you’ll find something to suit you
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The Surrey Girl
Illustration by Morgan Harries
She rolled up to Taly Gate on the first day in her brand new Mini convertible and her life has pretty much continued on that level from there.
She braved Cardiff because she wasn’t quite smart enough to get into Exeter but tells her home friends that Cardiff is “the Exeter of Wales”.
Her room is filled with lacrosse sticks, yoga pants and Nike trainers that somehow always manage to look brand new. You are envious of everything she owns, but also know that if you had any of this stuff you’d ruin it instantly. Her offers to let you borrow her things therefore fill you with a mix of joy and absolute fear.
She goes through life as if it’s something enjoyable rather than the soul-crushing, dream-destroying schlep that the rest of us know it as. She’s always well-dressed, always looking good, always smelling great.
You resent her for all of this, but she lets you get in on her Ocado orders, so you’re great friends.
The Thesp
Illustration by Morgan Harries
‘I’ve got to dash I’m late for rehearsals.’
‘Has anyone seen my script lying around?’
‘Don’t touch the paper maché pyramid, it’s drying!’
These exclamations will be familiar to anyone that lives with a thesp and are normally accompanied by an exaggerated squeal and a flurry of hand movements.
Actors, producers, directors – whichever role they have within the theatrical world, you’re going to know about it.
They’re hardly ever in the house as they’ve got so many rehearsals and socials and plays of friends to attend, but when they do occasionally grace you with their presence you can be sure that the time will be spent filling you in about their lives – because who cares about yours?
As housemates go though they’re pretty easy to live with – mainly because they’re never there – but also because they have an excellent range of fancy dress items.
Whether you’re a thesp or a Surrey girl, Fusion Students has what you’re looking for
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The Rugby Lad
Illustration by Morgan Harries
They love a sports social – obviously – and will continually beg you and your housemates to let them host the next team pre’s, promising that ‘it’ll be a tame one’ and ‘we’ll be out by 11’.
You know they won’t be. You know there will be vomit in the shower.
Their room is a disgusting pit, filled with sweaty sports clothes piled on every surface and you’re starting to smell the empty beer cans hidden around from the floor below. That’s if you can get past the cloud of lynx that hangs about them wherever they go.
But for all their grossness they are great to live with, entertaining you with crazy stories of their last condiments themed social while wolfing down any dinner leftovers you offer them so you don’t have to feel bad about wastage.
They also give an excellent cuddle and are always available to give you a Saturday afternoon platonic spoon in front of the game if you’re feeling down.
The Antisocial Ghost
Illustration by Morgan Harries
You think you live with them but you can’t be sure.
You haven’t seen them in weeks and their kitchen shelves seem untouched, but the occasional patter of feet on the landing assures you they do in fact exist.
Every now and then you make the trip up to their room, which is inevitably the one at the furthest end of the house, and tentatively knock on their door. Nine times out of ten there will be no answer and you can retreat back downstairs, safe in the knowledge that you at least tried.
The one time they actually answer you’ll be filled with a sense of excitement and dread akin to Indiana Jones opening the Lost Ark. But when they do finally open the door there will be no face-melting for you, only your very ordinary housemate asking what you’ve interrupted their nap for. You realise that you only checked on them because a small part of you hoped they might be dead.
Not everyone’s the same
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The Revs Promoter
Illustration by Morgan Harries
Always a bit drunk, always a bit on edge, always trying to promote you stuff.
They got lost in the anonymity of freshers and hated it, so decided to make their mark the only way they know how – by becoming another anonymous club promoter.
You’re reluctant to discuss night out plans with them because you can never tell if they’re being genuine or if they’re just trying to fill the club and you can never depend on them to host a good pre’s as they’re constantly running off to deliver tickets to their many ‘mates’ (clients).
Actually, everyone seems to be their mate, so a night out with them is always a good laugh and if you manage to get on their Snapchat story you can be guaranteed three figure views.
Their contagious love of life won’t last till morning though as they’ll be huddled up on the sofa, surrounded by their day’s supply of T&A Kebabs and gazing listlessly at Storage Hunters. It’s best not to approach them during the daylight hours.
The Wannabe Bristol One
Illustration by Morgan Harries
Everyone goes through disappointment in their lives, but some people are better at dealing with it than others. In Cardiff there’s a whole collection of people who are clearly not.
Wales’ answer to the Oxbridge reject, these guys will just not let the idea of Bristol go and spend their lives lamenting the fact they’re not 26 miles down the road.
They’re constantly comparing the weather, the cost of pints, nightlife, the cafe culture – if there’s something to moan about, they will find it. Every night out will be punctured by comments about how there’s only one proper DJ a week in Cardiff. In Bristol there’s like…. a billion.
They make up for not being in Bristol by acting exactly like they’re in Bristol – basically dripping wavey garms in their wake. You’ll find their patterned shirts and adidas tracksuits strewn in your hallway while they lean on the wall, red stripe in one hand and rollie in the other, spouting some nonsense about how even the architecture is better in Bristol.
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