The trials and tribulations of any girl. Boys – fuck off, you won’t (and can’t) understand
Oddly placed body hair
Having to pluck one alarmingly long hair from your chin once every month. How does it keep appearing?! Again and again?
It takes an extraordinary amount of effort to keep up the pretence of being a hairless angel.
The tide mark from hell
That streaky giveaway line of foundation creeping up your neck when you least expect it.
A volatile beast, The Mark will fight all your best efforts to disguise it, betraying your bronzed face and appearing throughout the day. Requires frantic application of bronzer and a distrust of all natural light.
The head tilt
Having to tilt your head in every photo at just the right angle to make your giant face look smaller. Results in a line of girls looking like their necks have been broken.
Head flung, limbs askew, carefree dreamy smile. “Ooo, you’ve caught me all off guard!” the picture is screaming. Stop it. There’s no surprise here.
Any girl knows that all these photos require very careful staging and at least 15 photos from slightly different angles.
Applying liquid eyeliner perfectly to one eye and then having a HIDEOUS NIGHTMARE on the other.
The left eye is your Everest. No matter how many times you stop, take a breath and tell yourself you won’t let the eye defeat you – your wrist will jolt inexplicably and you’ll be left looking like Koko the Clown after a fight with a Sharpie.
Weight loss jealousy
Being gripped with an intense jealousy when someone you know suddenly loses loads of weight. “How DARE that bitch lose all that weight! So fucking selfish.” You mutter to yourself darkly. “Cannot believe it.” The you make a mental note to not invite her out anywhere in case she’s looking fantastic.
Losing weight yourself and being miserable but ultimately smug because HA HA you have the thigh gap!! The discomfort of disco pants has never felt sweeter.
CTF- Camel Toe Fear
Symptoms: Fearfully glancing down every ten minutes, adjusting nervously, asking your mates in hushed whispers “Hey, HEY is CTF going on? Quick, look, have I got CTF?!”
Side Effects: Keeping a wide berth of all high waisted trousers.
The slow burner spot
The tentative pain. The raising of the skin. The creeping sense of dread.
This is the worst kind of spot, the Pariah of Pimples – the spot that rears its ugly head over a number of days, teasing you, taunting you.
And then one awful, fateful day (JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS THAT) it will appear slap bang in the middle of your cheek and ruin your social life for week while you rock yourself back and forth in a dark room waiting for it to go away.
Hating everyone on principle
Taking a perverse pleasure in hating EVERYONE your girlfriends hate, because as that well-known proverb goes – “if your mate says they’re a wanker, then they’re probably definitely a wanker.” Amen.
Morning make-up terror
Waking up at the crack of dawn next to a guy, to hastily apply as much make-up as possible. “My God, you’re breathtaking in the morning!” he exclaims as he gazes upon your heavily made up face. Idiot. He has no idea.