How to troll your exam

Get sketching

Exam not going too well? Turned over the first page, looked at the clock and realised there’s only fifteen minutes left? It’s time to test your artistic skill and get doodling; maybe the examiner will give you pity marks for a particularly majestic sketch. (Especially useful for Geography students, who will already have their crayons with them.)

Tear the paper up

If your artwork ends up looking like it was done by a five year old after too many Smarties, then it’s time to get back to failing your exam – but not without taking the exam paper down with you. If your beautiful artistic creations have left you no room to write your plan on or make notes, rip a page off the booklet so you can do your work. Fuck the system.

Bring your own chair

We all know how uncomfortable those seats in the exam hall are – they do your back in after an hour. Surely you deserve better than that. Why not bring your own chair in and ask the invigilator if you can use it, because it helps you feel more at ease, bringing a piece of home with you, and you feel you’re entitled to feeling as well equipped to succeed as possible?

Drop your stuff

If your pen just so happens to fall off the table and roll under the table in front, you may have to ask the hot invigilator to bend over and pick it up for you.

Why bother changing your socks?

Keep your socks on for a few days solid. Let the cheesiness soak into your feet. Walk into the exam, kick back, relax, and take your shoes off. Let the stench flow to everyone around you.

In fact, why bother showering?

Avoid showering for a while, and turn up to the exam wearing lots of layers. Peel each one off, letting the smell of your funky armpits slowly and seductively ooze into the atmosphere. Combine this with the socks technique for maximum effect.

Piss off

Fancy a break from the exam? May as well take advantage of your loo break. Even better, have a curry the night before so you can lay a brick. If the invigilator looks suspicious, give them full details on how your upset stomach is causing you to repeatedly pay a visit to the porcelain throne. They’ll soon leave you alone.

A sheet of A4 can boost your score

Ask for a sheet of paper. Use it to make a paper fortune teller. If you get asked what you’re doing, tell them you’re using it to work out how to answer the next question. If they have a problem with it, say they’re discriminating against your exam technique and you’re going to complain.

Freedom!

If you’ve had your chair taken off you, your artistic attempts have failed miserably and the stench of your cheesy feet and funky armpits is beginning to burn your nostrils, it’s time to give up. Any decent teacher will have told you to time your paragraphs as you write your essay. Write more concisely and leave yourself a good 35 minutes at the end, so you can stroll out early and cause a wave of existential crisis to ripple through the exam room as everyone wonders why they aren’t done yet. Make sure you pick up your chair. And maybe take a shower once you get home.