The six rules of New Year’s Eve

Christmas is over, which basically means Nan has stopped barking mildly racist things from the corner, has stopped interrogating you as to why you don’t have a girlfriend, and gone home. Here comes New Year’s Eve – the most overrated night of the entire year!

If you go online you can get different advice for the night depending on where you look. The following tips were given by London’s Metropolitan Police in an official statement:

• “Don’t leave it to the last minute to watch the fireworks as you are likely to be disappointed. Wrap up warm as you could be in for a long wait.”
• “Arrange meeting points for friends and family”
• “To guarantee a good view of the fireworks, watch the coverage on television”

Then these were the tips of champion-of-feminism Cosmopolitan magazine:

• “Stay in the loop by posting your pictures on Twitter”
• “Serve a seductive desert , eg chocolate fondue”
• “Kiss sexier”
• “Get gutsy”, by picking out “a hot single guy earlier in the evening and be sure to stand near him when the ball drops”.

Priceless advice indeed. We weren’t wholly convinced, so here are the Tab’s six handy tips to have a good time without having to send out quite so many apology texts as usual the next morning.

1. Accept that the night will be average-to-alright.

Due to hugely inflated expectations, people always feel a bit let-down the morning after NYE. Isn’t it supposed to be a crazy night where the rulebook is thrown out the window, and literally anything can happen?

No. Significantly lower your expectations beforehand, and the night might not be the annual letdown it usually is.

2. Close your windows, lock your doors.

Do not go ‘out’ out.

Supposedly over 90% of people nationwide celebrate the night in some capacity, but this does NOT mean going out will be in any way more fun, interesting or ‘wild’.

Have you taken a look at the average citizen? More people going out means more slightly-too-old people “hitting up Soho” to “neck back some shots”.

Pubs and clubs are noticeably more fun for Hen Night-aged Señoritas from Chelmsford and Bromley, ready to spend their PwC Christmas bonus because you know what? 35 is the new 25!

So don’t leave the house. Going with friends down to Trafalgar Square (or any public gathering space for that matter) is a lot like inviting all the people you hated at school to your own birthday party.

(I was in Trafalgar Square one year and nearly got trampled by an angry horse. It was awful.)

3. Don’t be the armchair philosopher of the party

If you’ve done the right thing by not going out into public, and have decided to get drunk with friends in someone’s house, then you’re basically there.

But there are a couple of other things. Yes, calendar years are arbitrary on the one hand, but yes, on the other hand it can be nice to look back on the good times.

But no-one wants an Alain de Botton-style philosophical reflection on “the ups and downs” of the last twelve months. You’ll probably just resurrect all the shit that went wrong this year, and bore everyone in the process.

Don’t try to be everyone’s shrink, basically. It’s not a Woody Allen film, you’re just getting pissed with friends.

4. Avoid meaningless talk of New Year’s resolutions.

I know, giving rules for what is acceptable conversation might seem incredibly fascist but you’d be surprised with how many people think it’s acceptable to spend half an hour telling you which foodstuffs they’re going to eat less or more of as part of their New Year’s resolutions.

Please keep these thoughts to yourselves. You won’t ever see through any of those resolutions, nor will you interest anyone by telling them that you will. Incredibly, people genuinely look disappointed when I fail to come up with a resolution of my own.

The thing is, I’m not a 32 year-old who spends his evenings in the Self-Help section of Waterstone’s, and who is currently ‘re-assessing their life goals’. I plan to be just as disappointing as ever next year, and that’s about it.

5. Don’t think you’re more likely to find that special someone.

Now I know Cosmo are an easy target, but in those tips they give they write:

“You can be bolder than usual on New Year’s Eve” Belisa Vranic, psychologist, says.

“Everyone is kissing everyone else, and people are excited”. (“If you’re feeling very brave, dance around the party naked to really impress your Prince Charming!” she didn’t add.)

Now I don’t know what parties you’ve been going to Belisa (if that even is your real name!) but the real world isn’t like The OC. When it gets to midnight, people don’t generally become so incredibly overcome with neediness that there are scenes reminiscent of the Year 8 disco all over again.

Maybe after four hours of feigning enough interest in the other person’s pet dog and what internships they’re “dying” to get, and enough drinking so that the silences between you aren’t noticeable anymore – then there’s about the same chance as usual (slim) that your faces might stumble into each other.

But that won’t be at midnight anyway, it’ll be at 3.45am when you’re happy to settle for each other, both realizing it’s been quite a similar night in terms of success to the hundreds of other nights you’ve had.

6. Get completely fucked…

…but not too early on. Then you’ll be fine. That’s about it really. Now where’s my fucking Pulitzer?