9 ways being a student is like being a baby

Whether it’s a lack of control over your bodily functions or a love of onesies, being a student is a lot like being a baby.

Freshers are often the brunt of jibes, slated for being young, annoying, and in the way by much grumpier third years, but even us more mature students are guilty of showing certain infantile qualities. In short, being a student, for a majority of the time, is akin to being a giant baby.

Needing plenty of naps


You can’t make it a whole day without crawling back into bed, just for that quick pick-me-up. Mister gets awful grumpy without his 2pm lie-down, now, doesn’t he?

A lack of control over bodily functions


Students, after an especially heavy night, have a tendency to vomit everywhere, occasionally piss themselves, and, after exceptional alcohol consumption, triple themselves. Babies are tiny drunks who also can’t make it to the toilet on time.

Limited motor skills


Heels are known to incapacitate a drunken student, but it doesn’t take Sherlock to notice the demon drink is the key offender in the litter of twenty-somethings passed out on the dancefloor. Whether you’re two or twenty-two, rolling around on the carpet is the best way to travel.

The consumption of strange foods


Hey, if you want to eat Strawbs sandwiches all day, you eat Strawbs sandwiches all day. You might even find it easier to get your five-a-day via the veggie gloop that is baby food, but either way, both babies and students have horrible shits for a reason.

The inability to look after yourself


Some days you just don’t have the motivation to get out of bed, dress yourself, or function like a normal human being. At least when you were a baby, someone was there to do it all for you. You were probably a lot cleaner as an infant than now, because hungover showers are hard.

Increasing your vocabulary


Whether you’re reading a 40-year-old Swedish essay translation, or mingling with the locals, you pick up new words and phrases all the time. Most of it will relate to genitalia, but you know how dirty these theorists can be.

Reliance on your parents


As an infant, you needed them for basically everything. As a student, you need from them basically everything. The Parental Units are always eager to give you money, free food, clothes, and general advice on life! They won’t mind you calling at 4am, drunkenly crying because your card got declined for that last Jäger-bomb! Mummy and Daddy will always love their precious little Boo.

Night feeds


There’s a reason kebab shops stay open late, and are strategically placed opposite the pub. Or, your messed up sleeping pattern means breakfast is lunch, lunch is dinner, and dinner is a 5am binge on Ben and Jerry’s. Who cares? You’re having three square meals a day, aren’t you?

Onesies are a staple of your wardrobe


If only they came with a butt-flap, then you’d never, ever have to wear normal clothing again.