Tab Tries: Using a Fleshlight

We try the male sex toy you always wondered about. Not for the faint hearted.


There’s a stigma attached to male sex toys. For some reason girls can chat all day about dildos and rabbits or whatever but if you’re a bloke and you use anything except your hand everyone looks at you like you’re a perv.

That’s just unfair. And it’s not even like there’s anything men can be open about but women can’t, is it?

So, being whatever you call a man version of a feminist I decided I’d not only have a go with a sex toy, but discuss it publically. I would review the Fleshlight for The Tab.

Fleshlight_II_02

It arrived last Friday. I snuck it out of the plodge and dashed across college to my room as quickly as I could. As soon as I made it I locked the door and prised open the cardboard packaging. There it was: a thick, black torch nestling in bed of protective paper. Ironic how much effort had been made to keep it safe when I was basically going to ruin it. With my DICK. I lifted it onto my bed. It was vagina shaped. You can get ones that are like arses as well but they’re more expensive and people will think you’re weird. The box also contained an instruction leaflet, which I thought was pretty funny. I mean, how hard is it to work out that you just put your dick in? Though to be fair, a lot of the instructions were to do with cleaning it and other hygiene aspects so I guess, yeah, fair enough.

I squeezed a dollop of Fleshlube into what’s probably called the mouth or something. The hole bit. It oozed and dribbled its way down into the rubbery chasm like some hair gel falling into a retarded ear. I was ready. I unzipped my trousers and slowly. but surely, eased my way in.

I’ll admit, the material feels a little strange at first. It’s probably a bit like doing a Furby up the arse I reckon. Yeah. But, after a bit you start to get used to it and things get good. Like if the Furby’s arse was actually really nice.

I always found Furby quite sexy.

I pulled my dick out and then put it back in again, allowing the delicate fusion of the synthetic and the natural grip me. Engulf me. Eat its way along me until my bellend prodded the end a bit. I let out a grunt, like a boar being hit with a rock. It felt great: a vagina except, for once, I was in control. I was the master; the king. The king of vaginas. Leader of the pussy-force.

I penetrated it again. Another grunt. What a sensation. Imagine having sex except with a tube and you can watch The Wrong Mans on your laptop at the same time. Pretty sick.

There's nothing they can do

This is happening and there’s nothing they can do

Couple of criticisms though: if you’re too aggressive you risk causing some serious damage. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say I almost snapped my dick by being too violent. Also, you have to clean it out after you’re done. This is problematic if you, like me, have a tiny sink, and the distance between the tap and the sink base is pretty minimal. Basically the Fleshlight wouldn’t fit in that gap so I had to sort of angle it. I won’t go into detail but let’s just say this led to me being sprayed with water and possibly cum.

The big question is, of course, how does it compare to the real thing? Well it certainly doesn’t feel as good. If sex is playing football in the world cup final then the Fleshlight is like a solid game of FIFA 14. But then, by comparison, regular wanking would be like playing the PS1 version of FIFA 2000 where Sol Campbell is like the best player or some bullshit, so it’s still pretty good.

To sum up, I would recommend the Fleshlight to any man-feminist guys who want to enhance their wanking experience.