Parklife struck by bum cheek epidemic
Female assets across the country now threatened by dangerous fashion illness
In the dreary depths of essays and exams, it’s hard to imagine anything that could endanger our enjoyment of long, warm summer days.
However, there lies a dark underbelly (or should I say underbum) to summertime, one that threatens the young women of Britain – the bum cheek epidemic.
Trend forecasters noted this worrying infection during spring/summer 2011, but despite the valiant efforts of relief teams such as DSF (Denim Sans Frontiers) and the Derrière Protection Movement, the contagious disease had spread even further by June 2012.
Reports now indicate that 2013 will be fatal for the self-respect of British women.
The epidemic was in full-swing on The Tab’s recent visit to Parklife, with bum cheeks as far as the eye could see. Observe.
A recent mutation of this malady has caused it to become increasingly resistant to weather, with specialists now at a loss as to what can be done to halt its spread.
Often, the disease begins innocently enough; the bum cheeks begin to appear from beneath the fabric, but the poor victim remains blissfully unaware of the peril they are in.
However, this malady quickly begins to spread. As an airborne disease, carried by American Apparel adverts and Rihanna’s Instagram, it’s able to penetrate the stock of popular high street shops.
Victims are hypnotized into believing they will turn into a Terry Richardson fantasy, while any notions of discomfort and public embarrassment are eradicated from their thoughts.
Just as J.M Charcot explored the rapid spread of hysteria among nineteenth-century French nuns, the group mentality among modern females allows the bum cheek epidemic to infiltrate even the most modest of friendship circles.
Once one poor girl is struck down, the rest will surely follow. Whole wardrobes of shorts weep as they are brutally cut down to the bare minimum in the quest for trend domination.
One troubling question remains – where will this end? The Society for the Protection of Decency has been petitioning relentlessly to try and raise awareness, but this epidemic shows no signs of slowing.
Concerns have been raised by voices within the international textile industry as it faces declining demand for denim, a move that could cripple the economic stability of many developing nations.
Thankfully, there’s a beacon of hope as leading fashion industry figures have planned a summit for September 2013, to discuss and co-ordinate efforts to eliminate this horrifying epidemic for good.
Industry insiders suggest the bum cheeks may be combated by a proliferation of long johns on the September fashion week catwalks.
In the meantime, remain vigilant. Bum cheek-itis can strike when least expected.