How NOT To Do: Hallward

Isn’t Hallward bad enough already?! Here are helpful tips to maintain the mutual suffering and avoid making enemies.


The dark skies of exams loom above us. Long hours spent staring at text books and wondering what the lethal dose of caffeine is, followed by the assumption that it’s probably too late for you anyway, is nothing short of your own private Vietnam.

Fortunately, we ascend this Hamburger Hill together and it has never been more important to maintain unity against the evils of marking boundaries and fast approaching deadlines.

Here are helpful tips to maintain the mutual suffering and avoid making enemies in the hub of Hallward.

Telecommunication

Discussing last night’s exploits on your phone so loudly the US can assess the conversation for security threats is a sure way to irritate library-goers. The “goring” you gave that female is not interesting or relevant to anyone except the girl you gored, and frankly she should already know the details. Or you need a lawyer.

It’s not at all YOLO; it’s a whole NewLO. And don’t even consider speakerphone.

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SHUT. UP.

Misusing the computers

Few of us can complete more than half an hour of work without scanning Facebook for the latest ‘selfies’ but if you’ve recently replenished your Farmville account and feel the urge to spend hours sowing seeds on the public computers, stop.

Take time to consider the metaphysical daggers you’re being thrown from the waiting masses. Some of us are doing degrees, not irrigating our cyber-crops.

Which self-respecting farm owner wouldn’t have a hot air balloon, y’know?

Which self-respecting farm owner wouldn’t have a hot air balloon, y’know?

Hogging the tables

Spreading yourself out like bird flu when tables are rarer than Big Brother housemates with a degree is an easy way to make yourself less than popular.

Sharing is caring and your coat doesn’t need a seat. A new table member might even bring skittles. And God knows you’ll be thanking me then.

Table stolen, this poor man has just had his tippy-toes for support

Table stolen, this poor man has just had his tippy-toes for support

Heeling it to Hallward

Sporting a set of heels Lady Gaga would consider twice to sit at a table and choose what colour pens you’re going to use for your spider-diagram is more irritating than Alan Carr on helium. It informs us all you’d rather plan an outfit than grab extra sleep and informs the females in particular that you’re the kind of girl they couldn’t trust to have a cucumber sandwich with their boyfriend.

Most of those you strut past have just realised their jumpers are on backwards and aren’t sure which day of the week it is. Reminding them of this is ill-advised.

It's a library, not a catwalk

It’s a library, not a catwalk

PDAs

If discussing the theory of complex variables gets your jollies hot then choose to heat them at home.

Subjecting fellow revisers to your best Basic Instinct impression only adds to their churning stomach of exam-nerves and removes any chance either of you have of expanding your social group outside of that tongue tennis tournament.

Isn't the flourescent light making us feel ill enough?! Nobody needs to see that!

Isn’t the flourescent light making us feel ill enough?! Nobody needs to see that!

Chomping for 2:1s

If you’ve got jaws like Cherie Blair and want to mingle with the mute in the silent section, consider your choice of lunch carefully.

Greeting your table mates with the audible apple when you already struggle with basic sound perception will antagonise your fellows further and has the potential to catalyse them to snap like a kit-kat (pun intended).

Apples and crisps - the bane in the life of any Hallward goer.

Apples and crisps – the bane in the life of any Hallward goer.

It’s a stressful time for everyone, so let’s help each other out, and attempt to keep the irrational, deadline-induced rage to a minimum.

Not so hungry now, eh?

Not so hungry now, eh?